Yesterday I realized that I was NOT a very good blogger throughout the month of November. Not. At. All. I'll be honest though, I have really been feeling much lately. I've just been... being. Existing. Waking up, breathing, eating, and then going to sleep again (albeit, at extremely odd hours). And it's really hard for me to blog if I haven't really felt strongly about anything.
It's kind of like that relationship that you have that all of the sudden seems like it's at a standstill. Sometimes you break up because you think surely there should be more to it, whereas other times you simply endure because you trust that better things are to come.
Obviously I can't break up with my life... although there are certainly times when I want to. Like this morning when I was getting frustrated about my income situation. It's probably not actually the "situation" that was frustrating me, but more that I don't like the fact that I'm coasting right now. And when I say coasting, I'm dead serious. I know some of you have probably had moments in your life that felt like coasting, but imagine waking up EVERY SINGLE DAY and doing nothing. Maybe watching television (brainless), cooking (kind of brainless), laundry (once a week max, and again, brainless), and napping. I don't think I could be "coasting" any more. Unless I were in a coma, which is probably actually more comparable to breaking up with life since you're no longer conscious.
So, I had yet another meltdown and just needed to cry it off. And then I talked with Meg about being homesick. More tears. So then I wondered if my period was coming soon. Nope. It's over two weeks away. Maybe this is residual cancer stuff? I don't know.
Either way, I'm just exhausted from it.
I'm betting this is a new thing in life for you. All of your life, up to this point and including cancer has always had a goal- a thing you could work towards and now, nothing it seems. (and I don't know the stages of remission or whatever you're in, but I'm betting it's part of that, too.)
ReplyDeleteSo here's a thought or two- What if this IS where God wants you? What if he wants you doing these simple things and making the most of them? Would that be such a terrible thing for you and Isaac (in light of the recent past)? What if God wants you to practice relaxing in Him. Yes, I said relax- it's completely unnatural for me to say it, let alone tell someone else. What if He wants you to learn to find His presence not only when you are in distress, but also when you are not? Would that be so bad for your relationship with Him (given the fact that though we get the idea of grace, we still claw at it with our own strength)? What if He wants you somewhere else than what you think is best? What if you are to serve Him in a way you can't see now? Have you asked Him to show you?
I hope you take this all in love, dear.
Finally, go find someone to serve and love- that can help tremendously. :)