Numbers, schmumbers.... right? Wrong.
Especially when everyone and their dog tells you going into chemo that you'll "probably lose some weight", "try to keep the food down", "your appetite will decrease..." etc.
Just like how they say your hair will all fall out.
I guess I'm just a backwards case of Hodgkin's because I've piled on over 15 lbs during chemo and still have probably around half of my hair.
I'm not complaining about my hair, this is more the story that I'll be sharing with you of how I am going to try to lose those 15 lbs that latched onto me like a fat kid onto free strawberry-glaze waffles.
I had chemo again a couple days ago--Wednesday-to be specific, and have been sleeping ever since. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Pretty fat, but pretty good. So I decided, what the heck? Why wait to work on these pesky pounds? I have to wait for everything else throughout this darn chemo process. I'm not going to wait to work on my mid-section.
If only it were as simple as that.
I popped in the P90X DVD and started off with the first workouts. Pushups, after pushups, after pushups... And this dang thing is an HOUR long! Of course, he's got this cute little Russian chick in the video. You know her.... the one, who, as he goes around the room asking who will do how many reps, she outdoes everyone by one. Yep. I've been that chick, so I think, okay... I'm still doing chemo... I can probably do about 75% of what she's doing.
WRONG.
Twenty minutes into the program and I'm laying face down on the floor, my butt straight up, gasping for air, and silently cursing Mr. Peppy-Man on my screen. I was seeing stars, holding down my dinner from last night.... ugh... it was all there...
"....c'mon you can do one more... look at me! I set my goal at fifteen, but I'm going to PUSH through it and do twenty instead..."
So I manned-up for the next twenty minutes and was surviving alright, until he explained that everything we'd just done--we're going to do it again. Kill me.
Meanwhile, miss cool chick is still pounding it out, looking nice and sweaty and I swear I can SEE the pounds just sliding from her skin. Meanwhile I'm sprawled out all over the floor as my husband walks in the door, turning his head quickly so I can't see him smiling.
I saw it.
To sum it up. I am NOT in as good of physical shape as I was when I left Ames five months ago. I'm unfortunately not even about half.
When I'd finished my workout, I went and soaked in the ice cold tub, garbage can beside me (just in case), and my dear husband mixed me up a protein shake to drink in the tub while I shed some tears, mourning my current psychical state.
The best words he could have said came out of his mouth while I was feeling defeated and trying to hold the puke back.... "babe, I still think you're sexy."
The tears came a little bit quicker then. There's something about looking and feeling your absolute worst and having your spouse look at you and say, "Hey, it's okay... I still love you just how you are."
So the gist of the post is this: losing weight is hard, P90X is my poison of choice, and I WILL be twenty pounds lighter by Thanksgiving. Or at the very worse, by Christmas. And I'll have my handsome strong husband to prod me along at some times, and other times, drop me a protein shake while I'm bawling in the bathtub. Oh, how I love him!
Sep 30, 2011
Sep 29, 2011
Looking Up
My mental shift from the last blog until this one has taken (once again) a very different turn. I got to go back to Iowa for a week, hang out with my in-laws for a few hours, meet with my design guru and start developing a plan for the photoshoot, visit as many friends as I felt I could handle, go to the hair show with the girls (minus Emily because she's PREGNANT!), nap by the fireplace at mom and dad's on Sunday, and then had a pretty rainy drive back home to Michigan.
Let me say, the hair show was a BLAST this year! I went to seminars by Schwarzkopf, Surface, Redken, Mizani, a Moonlighting Taxes workshop, the list goes on and on. This was the first year that I've gone, searching for things to learn, rather than just being there because I had to for school hours. I LOVED IT!!!
My first new love was from Schwarzkopf. They have a new line out called Essensity, which is a much more ecologically friendly line. The scientists at Schwarzkopf went through their color and took out as many of the harmful elements as they could (parabens, sulfates, ammonia, formaldehyde derivatives, and alcohol) to get a color that is MUCH less harmful to your health and the world but still delivers top notch color. Because this line is much more eco-friendly than probably any of the other color lines out there (that I've heard of ) it is a little bit more expensive, but if it works as well as they say it does, the small price increase won't even deter green-conscious clients.
In addition, Surface is a relatively new brand--three years young--that is also in the forefront of eco-friendly products. They don't carry any colors, but are an all-natural, organic, vegan, styling line that have already been receiving a lot of attention from Hollywood. The man in charge of Surface, Wayne Grund, used to be working with another doctor on their baby, Grund. Apparently Wayne had a change of heart about the Grund line when he started to realize how many harmful toxins are in the styling products that we use today, and since to date, his entire family is in the industry, he wanted to crate something that was non-toxic. He wanted it to be something that respected your personal health and respected mother earth. I messed around with it a little bit and am severely interested in purchasing some, but probably will have to wait until the next hair show when I actually have hair and can justify it. One other thing I found cool about Surface is that they donate 10% of their profits to World Vision--I've personally funded kids through world vision before and so I was SO excited to hear this!! It's the icing on the cake!
Now to Redken. Those of you who know me know that I hate Redken for these few simple facts. The color is crap and always pulls extremely warm, the reds don't hold worth a dang, and their whole system seems to be set up as a money-making machine that just eats up both your client's hair and their wallet. Don't get me wrong, you can still walk out with beautiful hair, but in order to keep it that way, you'll be paying for regular, in-salon treatments, at home treatments, pre-and post-blowdrying serums, hairspray, etc... and it just adds up pretty quick. However, I will give them this though. They have the technical stuff down in this business and they keep things fashionably current. As in, if you go in for a haircut, they will pull up a chart that shows them EXACTLY how they did your haircut last time. This is something that is relatively uncommon with many hairstylists. That's why many of us instead will ask what type of "feel" you like. We can work off feelings, but exact replications are extremely difficult. Period. I'm going to be working on that.... once I figure out where to buy those head charts.
Now to my current excitement. The very talented Andrea Dahlberg, from Andrea Dahlberg Photography, has volunteered her services (for a fee, of course) to help me crate a dynamic, stand-out leave behind for when I start going on salon interviews in the (hopefully) near future. For those of you who don't know what that is, a leave behind is kind of like a mini-portfolio that you leave behind with an interviewer that lets them keep a taste of what you can do, without having to leave your ACTUAL portfolio behind.
I. am. stoked!!!!!
We'll be creating a three-picture portfolio, as well as including on the back of the board my name, information, and what I specialize in. The goal is to keep it beautiful, simple, but to the point.
In addition, this next time that I'm back I'll be getting to help with harvest!!! :) :) Aka... running the combine when needed, but probably more so, running the auger cart. I used to not like it so much when I lived closer to home and HAD to do it... Now that I'm almost 700 miles away, I'm excited to come back and help my dad out in that way!
Lastly, for those of you who read the last blog... don't worry. I've not done anything stupid, nor do I plan too. Crazy thoughts will probably still come and go, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God Almighty that there is a reason for it all.
After all, we only have two hopes in this world. Satan, or Jehovah-Yahweh. There is no middle ground in this world, and there never will be. We are either for Satan, or against him. I choose to be against him, to call on the Lord to help me take my crazy thoughts captive and allow Him to comfort me and heal me during those moments where the devil has wormed his way into my thoughts.
I can't imagine trying to do it on my own.
I love you all and can't wait til the next time I see your beautiful faces!!
Let me say, the hair show was a BLAST this year! I went to seminars by Schwarzkopf, Surface, Redken, Mizani, a Moonlighting Taxes workshop, the list goes on and on. This was the first year that I've gone, searching for things to learn, rather than just being there because I had to for school hours. I LOVED IT!!!
My first new love was from Schwarzkopf. They have a new line out called Essensity, which is a much more ecologically friendly line. The scientists at Schwarzkopf went through their color and took out as many of the harmful elements as they could (parabens, sulfates, ammonia, formaldehyde derivatives, and alcohol) to get a color that is MUCH less harmful to your health and the world but still delivers top notch color. Because this line is much more eco-friendly than probably any of the other color lines out there (that I've heard of ) it is a little bit more expensive, but if it works as well as they say it does, the small price increase won't even deter green-conscious clients.
In addition, Surface is a relatively new brand--three years young--that is also in the forefront of eco-friendly products. They don't carry any colors, but are an all-natural, organic, vegan, styling line that have already been receiving a lot of attention from Hollywood. The man in charge of Surface, Wayne Grund, used to be working with another doctor on their baby, Grund. Apparently Wayne had a change of heart about the Grund line when he started to realize how many harmful toxins are in the styling products that we use today, and since to date, his entire family is in the industry, he wanted to crate something that was non-toxic. He wanted it to be something that respected your personal health and respected mother earth. I messed around with it a little bit and am severely interested in purchasing some, but probably will have to wait until the next hair show when I actually have hair and can justify it. One other thing I found cool about Surface is that they donate 10% of their profits to World Vision--I've personally funded kids through world vision before and so I was SO excited to hear this!! It's the icing on the cake!
Now to Redken. Those of you who know me know that I hate Redken for these few simple facts. The color is crap and always pulls extremely warm, the reds don't hold worth a dang, and their whole system seems to be set up as a money-making machine that just eats up both your client's hair and their wallet. Don't get me wrong, you can still walk out with beautiful hair, but in order to keep it that way, you'll be paying for regular, in-salon treatments, at home treatments, pre-and post-blowdrying serums, hairspray, etc... and it just adds up pretty quick. However, I will give them this though. They have the technical stuff down in this business and they keep things fashionably current. As in, if you go in for a haircut, they will pull up a chart that shows them EXACTLY how they did your haircut last time. This is something that is relatively uncommon with many hairstylists. That's why many of us instead will ask what type of "feel" you like. We can work off feelings, but exact replications are extremely difficult. Period. I'm going to be working on that.... once I figure out where to buy those head charts.
Now to my current excitement. The very talented Andrea Dahlberg, from Andrea Dahlberg Photography, has volunteered her services (for a fee, of course) to help me crate a dynamic, stand-out leave behind for when I start going on salon interviews in the (hopefully) near future. For those of you who don't know what that is, a leave behind is kind of like a mini-portfolio that you leave behind with an interviewer that lets them keep a taste of what you can do, without having to leave your ACTUAL portfolio behind.
I. am. stoked!!!!!
We'll be creating a three-picture portfolio, as well as including on the back of the board my name, information, and what I specialize in. The goal is to keep it beautiful, simple, but to the point.
In addition, this next time that I'm back I'll be getting to help with harvest!!! :) :) Aka... running the combine when needed, but probably more so, running the auger cart. I used to not like it so much when I lived closer to home and HAD to do it... Now that I'm almost 700 miles away, I'm excited to come back and help my dad out in that way!
Lastly, for those of you who read the last blog... don't worry. I've not done anything stupid, nor do I plan too. Crazy thoughts will probably still come and go, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God Almighty that there is a reason for it all.
After all, we only have two hopes in this world. Satan, or Jehovah-Yahweh. There is no middle ground in this world, and there never will be. We are either for Satan, or against him. I choose to be against him, to call on the Lord to help me take my crazy thoughts captive and allow Him to comfort me and heal me during those moments where the devil has wormed his way into my thoughts.
I can't imagine trying to do it on my own.
I love you all and can't wait til the next time I see your beautiful faces!!
Sep 20, 2011
So, Yeah.
Hello, Iowa! I'm coming back! (Yes, again.)
I have a good reason this time, too. Not that I need to create a reason to go to my Iowa home. When all else fails, I can use cancer as the reason. Just another upside to it, I guess.
However. This time, I am coming back for A HAIR SHOW!!! Wahoo!!
Having not been able to consistently do hair for the past five months has made me a little bit nervous that I'm losing my touch, but I'm doing everything (aka, looking at lots of pictures and asking myself how I would get that result) in my power not to become a dummy. Thankfully I've been allowed to do a couple of Isaac's peers and it's been keeping me on my toes.
I spent three hours today driving to get my hands on Keune color. Ridiculous.
Oh, and for those of you out there who care, Salon Centric does NOT carry all of the same brands from state to state. For instance, in Iowa, they carry Schwarzkopf, which is comparable to Keune. Well guess what? In Michigan, there is only ONE store in the ENTIRE STATE that carries it.
And it's an hour and a half away with traffic.
Ten minutes away from the place that carries Keune.
Shoot me.
I bought a variety of colors today so that the next time I need color, I don't have to drive halfway back to Iowa to get it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is that I'm super excited to:
a) come back to Iowa again, as I'm desperately lonely out here
b) go to a hair show
By the way, if you're wondering what you might be able to pray for, pray for me and depression. Once upon a time, I had a conversation with my best friend, who I emphatically told that "I don't believe in depression," only to find out that he had struggled with it for years seconds later.
And, once again, I find myself wanting to go back in time and insert my foot in my mouth during that conversation. I think it's real, and I think I'm dealing with it.
There's something wrong when you're driving down the highway, contemplating whether you want to go home to endure another day or try to get hit by a semi. It's just not "normal." Or maybe it is and I've just never experienced it until now. Either way, I need to figure out what to do with it. It's not a consistent thing, but it does come and go rather frequently the longer I'm out here.
And obviously, since I've never dealt with this before, I'm just mentioning it rather casually because I'm not sure what to do with it. Don't mistake that for sarcasm.
And yes, a lot of you close to me will be surprised to read this, because I haven't mentioned it at all, save to one person.
Again, I'm just not sure what to do with it. Do I mention it? Do I not? No clue. I'm a little nervous to post this, just because I'm not sure what the response will be from certain people who I care about.
The blog is supposed to help me be transparent, to share my thoughts that I either can't, or don't want to verbalize. So there it is.
In the meantime, I'm just hanging out.
I have a good reason this time, too. Not that I need to create a reason to go to my Iowa home. When all else fails, I can use cancer as the reason. Just another upside to it, I guess.
However. This time, I am coming back for A HAIR SHOW!!! Wahoo!!
Having not been able to consistently do hair for the past five months has made me a little bit nervous that I'm losing my touch, but I'm doing everything (aka, looking at lots of pictures and asking myself how I would get that result) in my power not to become a dummy. Thankfully I've been allowed to do a couple of Isaac's peers and it's been keeping me on my toes.
I spent three hours today driving to get my hands on Keune color. Ridiculous.
Oh, and for those of you out there who care, Salon Centric does NOT carry all of the same brands from state to state. For instance, in Iowa, they carry Schwarzkopf, which is comparable to Keune. Well guess what? In Michigan, there is only ONE store in the ENTIRE STATE that carries it.
And it's an hour and a half away with traffic.
Ten minutes away from the place that carries Keune.
Shoot me.
I bought a variety of colors today so that the next time I need color, I don't have to drive halfway back to Iowa to get it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is that I'm super excited to:
a) come back to Iowa again, as I'm desperately lonely out here
b) go to a hair show
By the way, if you're wondering what you might be able to pray for, pray for me and depression. Once upon a time, I had a conversation with my best friend, who I emphatically told that "I don't believe in depression," only to find out that he had struggled with it for years seconds later.
And, once again, I find myself wanting to go back in time and insert my foot in my mouth during that conversation. I think it's real, and I think I'm dealing with it.
There's something wrong when you're driving down the highway, contemplating whether you want to go home to endure another day or try to get hit by a semi. It's just not "normal." Or maybe it is and I've just never experienced it until now. Either way, I need to figure out what to do with it. It's not a consistent thing, but it does come and go rather frequently the longer I'm out here.
And obviously, since I've never dealt with this before, I'm just mentioning it rather casually because I'm not sure what to do with it. Don't mistake that for sarcasm.
And yes, a lot of you close to me will be surprised to read this, because I haven't mentioned it at all, save to one person.
Again, I'm just not sure what to do with it. Do I mention it? Do I not? No clue. I'm a little nervous to post this, just because I'm not sure what the response will be from certain people who I care about.
The blog is supposed to help me be transparent, to share my thoughts that I either can't, or don't want to verbalize. So there it is.
In the meantime, I'm just hanging out.
Sep 16, 2011
Breath of Fresh Air
Today was the first time, since starting chemotherapy, that I have felt I could just break down and let out my frustrations and sorrows, self-pity, and irritation with the whole process.
Isaac and I were watching criminal minds and at the end of the scene, he came over and curled up on my knee. I bent over him, just holding it in for a few moments, and then let it out. At first, it was the type of deep breaths you take because you don't want to fully commit to crying... but then it changed more to tears and they kept coming.
So many things... all wrapped up in my emotions and mind all at the same time. I'm glad it will soon be over. I can't wait to be done with feeling just "off" all the time, I can't wait to be able to take part in sports again without feeling my port flopping around in my vein. I can't wait to regain my sense of taste, not have to endure any more saline flushes... I can't wait until I don't have to feel "tough" anymore.
And I really can't wait until the magical day when I REALLY know it's over--when they take out my port.
Friends, thank you so much for your prayers. I believe they've held me upright this whole time, even though I feel like I am about to wipe out on my face.
And PLEASE, please, if you can, talk to me to get involved in the 5k walk for St. Judes. It's free, but every person who brings in $35 worth of donations will get a free tee-shirt.
I'll be adding more information this Wednesday after I meet with Katie, the St. Jude's lady!! I'm SO excited!!
Isaac and I were watching criminal minds and at the end of the scene, he came over and curled up on my knee. I bent over him, just holding it in for a few moments, and then let it out. At first, it was the type of deep breaths you take because you don't want to fully commit to crying... but then it changed more to tears and they kept coming.
So many things... all wrapped up in my emotions and mind all at the same time. I'm glad it will soon be over. I can't wait to be done with feeling just "off" all the time, I can't wait to be able to take part in sports again without feeling my port flopping around in my vein. I can't wait to regain my sense of taste, not have to endure any more saline flushes... I can't wait until I don't have to feel "tough" anymore.
And I really can't wait until the magical day when I REALLY know it's over--when they take out my port.
Friends, thank you so much for your prayers. I believe they've held me upright this whole time, even though I feel like I am about to wipe out on my face.
And PLEASE, please, if you can, talk to me to get involved in the 5k walk for St. Judes. It's free, but every person who brings in $35 worth of donations will get a free tee-shirt.
It will be held on November 19, 2011 at Valley West Mall in Des Moines, Iowa.
Registration starts at 7am, and the walk will commence at 8am.
There will be games and cheerleaders too!!
Visit Ashley Hinton's Page at St. Jude's to either Participate or Donate.
Or, If you could spread the word, please add yourself (and your friends) to our Facebook Page.
I'll be adding more information this Wednesday after I meet with Katie, the St. Jude's lady!! I'm SO excited!!
St. Jude's Give Thanks Walk
As quite a few of you may know, about a month after our wedding, on June 2 of this year I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Thankfully, we had caught it early so the doctor thought I'd only be in chemotherapy anywhere from four to six months, followed up by a few rounds of radiation. At that point, the diagnosis wasn't too daunting because we had no idea the impact it would have on our marriage, our spiritual lives, our finances, and our emotional selves.
In the beginning we had several trips to the ER, tubes in my ears, and a drug reaction, and I wasn't quite sure I wanted to make it through this treatment anymore. However, with encouragement, prayers, and financial help from family, friends, and perfect strangers, I'm so happy to announce that the end is in sight and my last round of chemotherapy will be on October 12! Thanks be to the God the healer, who is above all!
I've been wanting to get more involved in charitable things out here in Michigan, although finding out where to go has been difficult because of the limitations placed on me by my treatment. This journey has led me to have more compassion for those who are hurting from cancer, and especially for affected children and their families.
That is why I am asking you to join me in participating in the St. Jude Give thanks. Walk., benefiting St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, on Saturday, November 19, in Des Moines, Iowa. By walking in this event, we can help the doctors and researchers at St. Jude find lifesaving cures for desperately ill children in communities everywhere. Together, we can raise money to bring hope to the patients and families that walk through the doors of St. Jude everyday in search of a cure. I hope you will consider joining me in supporting this event by joining my walk team or even forming your own.
St. Jude is one of the world's premier centers for the research and treatment of pediatric cancer and other catastrophic childhood diseases. Research findings at St. Jude are freely shared with the global medical community. St. Jude is the only pediatric cancer center where families never pay for treatments that are not covered by insurance, and families without insurance are never asked to pay.
That is why St. Jude needs our help. I am asking you to help today by registering to participate. Once you have registered, you will be able to create your personal fundraising web page, where you will be able to send emails to your friends and family to ask them to make a donation to support the lifesaving work done at St. Jude.
In the beginning we had several trips to the ER, tubes in my ears, and a drug reaction, and I wasn't quite sure I wanted to make it through this treatment anymore. However, with encouragement, prayers, and financial help from family, friends, and perfect strangers, I'm so happy to announce that the end is in sight and my last round of chemotherapy will be on October 12! Thanks be to the God the healer, who is above all!
I've been wanting to get more involved in charitable things out here in Michigan, although finding out where to go has been difficult because of the limitations placed on me by my treatment. This journey has led me to have more compassion for those who are hurting from cancer, and especially for affected children and their families.
That is why I am asking you to join me in participating in the St. Jude Give thanks. Walk., benefiting St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, on Saturday, November 19, in Des Moines, Iowa. By walking in this event, we can help the doctors and researchers at St. Jude find lifesaving cures for desperately ill children in communities everywhere. Together, we can raise money to bring hope to the patients and families that walk through the doors of St. Jude everyday in search of a cure. I hope you will consider joining me in supporting this event by joining my walk team or even forming your own.
St. Jude is one of the world's premier centers for the research and treatment of pediatric cancer and other catastrophic childhood diseases. Research findings at St. Jude are freely shared with the global medical community. St. Jude is the only pediatric cancer center where families never pay for treatments that are not covered by insurance, and families without insurance are never asked to pay.
That is why St. Jude needs our help. I am asking you to help today by registering to participate. Once you have registered, you will be able to create your personal fundraising web page, where you will be able to send emails to your friends and family to ask them to make a donation to support the lifesaving work done at St. Jude.
Take the first step and give hope to the patients of St. Jude.
Visit Ashley Hinton's Page and click Join My Team.
Thank You, thank you SO much!!!
Sep 15, 2011
St. Jude's Walk
I've been thinking of ways that I can give back as soon as I'm better.
Oh Facebook. You DO know me too well! As I was browsing pages and pages of beautiful faces, searching for hair models to use in my leave-behind for out here in Shigan, I stumbled upon an advertisement for St. Jude's Medical Research Walk.
It will happen on Saturday, November 19, in various locations across the nation. I will be coming back to my roots to walk with as large of an army as I can gather in the Des Moines march.
If you are interested in joining, please sign up!
Visit Ashley Hinton's Page!
You can then choose to register to walk, or to donate. I believe it is free, but the goal is to raise money for these families who can't necessarily afford all their treatments--especially those who are uninsured!
If you choose to walk, you will need to register, then underneath "Participation Type," click the button beside "Join A Team." The team name is "Beat Cancer"
Thank you SO much!!!!!
Oh Facebook. You DO know me too well! As I was browsing pages and pages of beautiful faces, searching for hair models to use in my leave-behind for out here in Shigan, I stumbled upon an advertisement for St. Jude's Medical Research Walk.
It will happen on Saturday, November 19, in various locations across the nation. I will be coming back to my roots to walk with as large of an army as I can gather in the Des Moines march.
If you are interested in joining, please sign up!
Visit Ashley Hinton's Page!
You can then choose to register to walk, or to donate. I believe it is free, but the goal is to raise money for these families who can't necessarily afford all their treatments--especially those who are uninsured!
If you choose to walk, you will need to register, then underneath "Participation Type," click the button beside "Join A Team." The team name is "Beat Cancer"
Thank you SO much!!!!!
Sep 14, 2011
THE END IS NEAR!!!!!!!!
Oh dear framily and fends... I mean, family and friends. Goodness! I'm so excited I can barely type correctly!!! Anyway, we went to the oncologist today and guess what?!?
I AM ESSENTIALLY CANCER FREE!!!!
I had mass in my right clavicular region, one under my right armpit, and the largest mass was beside my right lung. There was also a small mass near the middle of my chest on the right side, and one lonely speck near my lower left kidney.
Translated: I had a bunch of crap in my upper right chest/rib region and one little straggler on the left side by my kidney.
We compared the PET/CT scans today (3D images of my insides) and it is a miracle!! NONE of the masses showed up on the scan except for the lonesome left-side booger. I guess since he didn't have any friends to begin with, nobody informed him that the party's over so he's still hanging out. Like that awkward person who you sticks around til midnight and forever more when all you really want to do is go to bed because you have to get up at 5am. Yep. That's him.
So. In effort to communicate with him that I'm moving on and I have other things to do, we're going to continue on with two more treatments in hopes that he catches on. If he's still playing dense after that, we're going to send him a more direct message by beaming him in the face with some radiation. If he doesn't catch on to THAT... well, I'm not sure what the medical equivalent of forcefully removing someone is (surgery, maybe?) but that would probably be the next and final step.
In the meantime: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers, your support, listening to me when I've called or Skyped with you, for allowing me to share my emotions about the whole process and not condemning along the way.
A special thank you goes to my beautiful husband who has played chemo-chauffeur, nurse, pharmacist, provided listening ears, who has been a strong shoulder to cry on, and who has continued to verbalize that he thinks I'm hot. You know how to make a girl feel good, babe! :) I love you so much!!
More special thank you's go out to both my Iowa families, who have volunteered their time, gas money, and support to come out and visit us. You brought that "home" comfort with you that I'm working on developing out here.
Thank you again to anyone and everyone else who has prayed for the cancer to be defeated. I am SO incredibly grateful!!!!!!! I don't even know that there is a way to explain in words how truly blessed we are to have you interceding on our behalves. Thank you so much!
I AM ESSENTIALLY CANCER FREE!!!!
I had mass in my right clavicular region, one under my right armpit, and the largest mass was beside my right lung. There was also a small mass near the middle of my chest on the right side, and one lonely speck near my lower left kidney.
Translated: I had a bunch of crap in my upper right chest/rib region and one little straggler on the left side by my kidney.
We compared the PET/CT scans today (3D images of my insides) and it is a miracle!! NONE of the masses showed up on the scan except for the lonesome left-side booger. I guess since he didn't have any friends to begin with, nobody informed him that the party's over so he's still hanging out. Like that awkward person who you sticks around til midnight and forever more when all you really want to do is go to bed because you have to get up at 5am. Yep. That's him.
So. In effort to communicate with him that I'm moving on and I have other things to do, we're going to continue on with two more treatments in hopes that he catches on. If he's still playing dense after that, we're going to send him a more direct message by beaming him in the face with some radiation. If he doesn't catch on to THAT... well, I'm not sure what the medical equivalent of forcefully removing someone is (surgery, maybe?) but that would probably be the next and final step.
In the meantime: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers, your support, listening to me when I've called or Skyped with you, for allowing me to share my emotions about the whole process and not condemning along the way.
A special thank you goes to my beautiful husband who has played chemo-chauffeur, nurse, pharmacist, provided listening ears, who has been a strong shoulder to cry on, and who has continued to verbalize that he thinks I'm hot. You know how to make a girl feel good, babe! :) I love you so much!!
More special thank you's go out to both my Iowa families, who have volunteered their time, gas money, and support to come out and visit us. You brought that "home" comfort with you that I'm working on developing out here.
Thank you again to anyone and everyone else who has prayed for the cancer to be defeated. I am SO incredibly grateful!!!!!!! I don't even know that there is a way to explain in words how truly blessed we are to have you interceding on our behalves. Thank you so much!
Sep 11, 2011
Our Investment
About a week ago, I got to do hair for one of the girls that Isaac goes to school with. Her name was Amy, and we did a full hilight/lowlight with a cut as well. I had an absolute blast doing it--especially since I haven't been able to do much hair for the last four months or so--but one thing that kept bugging me was that the chair I had her sit in didn't go up and down like my old Salon 101 chair. I don't know if she noticed or not, but I kept bringing my foot up to "pump her up" so that she would be at a more comfortable height.
Later on, while I was talking with Isaac about it, I happened to mention my awkward habit to him and he asked how much salon chairs run for, generally speaking. I responded that I wasn't absolutely positive, but I the ones I had seen were usually under $200. To my surprise, he told me that maybe I should look into purchasing one for when I do hair for people out of the house. It would be an investment that would probably pay for itself in a pretty short amount of time.
Needless to say, I jumped on the internet right away to start checking out chair prices. $150. $160. $175. $190. Wow. Okay, that's a little higher than I thought. It was still under $200 though.
Until I added in the cost for shipping.
On average, it cost about $50 to ship a chair. Ouch! I kept looking and looking, browsing, and searching. Finally I decided to check Sally's to see if they had anything decent. I mean, really, this chair didn't need to be anything fantastic, just your basic styling chair that could go up and down. There were two pages of chairs to look at.
The second page was where my little miracle was. There, halfway down the page on the left-handed side was a Pibbs Basic Styling Chair. And the price? $70. BAM! I started oohing and ahhing and Isaac asked what I'd found. I told him that I had to research a little bit, but I think I had just found my chair. When I told him about the price, he was a teensy bit skeptical--simply because it was about half the price of all the others I had looked at. Even the ones on Ebay!
I told him I thought it was probably just a model that they discontinued and were trying to get rid of. But I researched anyway.
First, I checked the dimensions... maybe it was a kid's chair or something. Nope. It was about the same as the chair I used to use at Salon 101. Just a half inch smaller. Then I checked the hydraulics. Those were the same too. And the warranty? One year for the chair, five for the hydraulics. Works for me! Last, I checked out the brand. They seemed to check out fine as well.
Hmm. Well... why not?
I talked with Isaac about it one more time, relaying all my findings to him, and then we decided to purchase it. I filled out the mailing and billing information and hit "purchase."
And then I started to squeal.
Isaac turned and looked at me. "Babe, what are you doing," he asked.
"I'm just so nervous!!! I've never bought a chair before! But we just got it!"
He did his little laugh thing that he does and went on with his business.
I just kept staring at the chair. Hopefully it wasn't a defective one or something. At least if it was, we could return it. But then we'd have to find a new one and the chances that we'd find something so cheap twice.... well, not very likely.
Apparently it was God's will that we be able to purchase a cheap, functional styling chair. And I am SO thankful! Now, to put it to good use!
Later on, while I was talking with Isaac about it, I happened to mention my awkward habit to him and he asked how much salon chairs run for, generally speaking. I responded that I wasn't absolutely positive, but I the ones I had seen were usually under $200. To my surprise, he told me that maybe I should look into purchasing one for when I do hair for people out of the house. It would be an investment that would probably pay for itself in a pretty short amount of time.
Needless to say, I jumped on the internet right away to start checking out chair prices. $150. $160. $175. $190. Wow. Okay, that's a little higher than I thought. It was still under $200 though.
Until I added in the cost for shipping.
On average, it cost about $50 to ship a chair. Ouch! I kept looking and looking, browsing, and searching. Finally I decided to check Sally's to see if they had anything decent. I mean, really, this chair didn't need to be anything fantastic, just your basic styling chair that could go up and down. There were two pages of chairs to look at.
The second page was where my little miracle was. There, halfway down the page on the left-handed side was a Pibbs Basic Styling Chair. And the price? $70. BAM! I started oohing and ahhing and Isaac asked what I'd found. I told him that I had to research a little bit, but I think I had just found my chair. When I told him about the price, he was a teensy bit skeptical--simply because it was about half the price of all the others I had looked at. Even the ones on Ebay!
I told him I thought it was probably just a model that they discontinued and were trying to get rid of. But I researched anyway.
First, I checked the dimensions... maybe it was a kid's chair or something. Nope. It was about the same as the chair I used to use at Salon 101. Just a half inch smaller. Then I checked the hydraulics. Those were the same too. And the warranty? One year for the chair, five for the hydraulics. Works for me! Last, I checked out the brand. They seemed to check out fine as well.
Hmm. Well... why not?
I talked with Isaac about it one more time, relaying all my findings to him, and then we decided to purchase it. I filled out the mailing and billing information and hit "purchase."
And then I started to squeal.
Isaac turned and looked at me. "Babe, what are you doing," he asked.
"I'm just so nervous!!! I've never bought a chair before! But we just got it!"
He did his little laugh thing that he does and went on with his business.
I just kept staring at the chair. Hopefully it wasn't a defective one or something. At least if it was, we could return it. But then we'd have to find a new one and the chances that we'd find something so cheap twice.... well, not very likely.
* * * * * * * * *
A couple days ago, Isaac had to head out to the bank to deposit a check, get some gas, and make some copies of some medical school-related things at the school. I was busy making some potstickers in the kitchen (click on THIS for a link to the recipe.. they were DELISH!) when he came up with a hydraulic pump.
I'm sure I looked like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. "THE CHAIR IS HERE????!!!" I screamed. He smiled. "Yep."
As soon as he set it on the ground I was staring at it. Just looking at it, probably similar to a mothers who just gave birth to their first child. I loved it already. Probably because it was ours. Not that Isaac would be using it much, though. So I guess, really, it was mine. My own beautiful, simple, styling chair.
Snapping out of my trance, I had to run to the kitchen because I was frying the potstickers and I realized they were probably burning to the pan.
Minutes later the chair half of it arrived on my husband's shoulders as well. Can I get a hallelujah? Yes, please! I was immediately down on the ground, finding the parts to put the footrest on the chair. For a moment, I thought they had forgotten to send me the screws. Then I saw them taped to the metal frame. About five minutes later it was assembled.
 |
| My baby. |
She doesn't have a name yet, but I'll think of one. It has to be special, because a name is forever. Even for a styling chair. I'm entertaining Seana. It's a Gaelic name that means "gift from God." And she really was, too! The day she arrived (after I'd made sure she wasn't defective and all that) I went to go message Lindsey and Meg about it. I was going to include the link directly to the Sally's page where I bought it from, in case they wanted one too, but it was gone. Literally. There was nothing there.
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| Isaac, modeling the chair this morning for me. |
The BEST Birthday Ever!
Today is my birthday. Or, rather, it was. It's after midnight here now. But it was FANTASTIC!
Celebrations started on Friday when my husband offered to give me my gift early, "in case I wanted to return it." I'm not sure if he really meant that last part, but I took him up on it anyway. Who wouldn't?
He told me that he'd hidden it somewhere here in the apartment and so I would need to go out in the hallway until he said I could come in. I was immediately resistant to this idea since we have potsmoking neighbors who drench the entire building in their fumes. It literally makes me sick. So, we agreed that the bathroom would have to do instead.
It really wasn't all that bad of an idea, considering I needed to use the facilities about that time anyway. While I was relieving myself, I could hear him rummaging around, opening doors in the hallway, shutting them, walking around, opening the cabinets in the kitchen, dropping pans, shutting them, walking around some more... I think he opened every door there is to open in the apartment, just for the sake of "throwing me off."
Apparently his hiding spot is very special.
In the time it took him to declare it safe for me to reappear, I could have gone to the bathroom, taken a shower, put on photoshoot-grade makeup, knit a sweater out of toilet paper, gotten pregnant, AND had the baby.
Or at least it felt that way.
I came out and was looking around and, ta-da! On the end table in our living room sat the sacred bag. And when I say sacred, I am DEAD serious. Standing ten inches tall, wrapped in beautifully-familiar, horizontal black-and-white stripes was "Sephora."
We've been friends for years now, and every time she makes an appearance, I can almost assure you no matter what is inside her, I will LOVE it! This time was no exception. My hands went flying into her and found the red tissue paper which held the gift from my handsome hubby. It was a little rectangular box about the size you typically find perfume in. This was a good sign!!!
I'm pretty sure the angels sang when I saw it! I am a HUGE sucker for anything that smells like clean laundry or fresh flowers.
To add to that awesomeness, Isaac's parents gave me an eGift certificate to, guess where..... SEPHORA!!!!! I am in HEAVEN! I've already spent at least three or four hours just drooling over the webpage, trying to figure out if I want to spend it on fun stuff now or if I want to start saving up for the airbrush makeup system that they have. Decisions, decisions.
On top of that, this morning was the Iowa versus Iowa State Game. Let me make this clear, for the record. Generally, I cheer for Nebraska. Additionally, as a rule of thumb, I also typically I cheer for anyone playing against Iowa State football, as I have a particularly bad taste in my mouth for them.
This year, however, my brother was silly enough to post this on Facebook:
So I cheered. I cheered HARD. Plus, I sent him text messages every few good moves that ISU made, just to get him all worked up. (Don't feel bad for him, he does that kind of stuff to me all the time.) And as much as I don't care for the ISU football players (in general), I DO greatly appreciate them contributing to my brother's sobriety.
To end the party, my husband took me out to eat tonight at Andiamo's. It is fantastic Italian food that blows Olive Garden right out of the water. The prices were actually comparable too! Here's some pictures from our night out.
Celebrations started on Friday when my husband offered to give me my gift early, "in case I wanted to return it." I'm not sure if he really meant that last part, but I took him up on it anyway. Who wouldn't?
He told me that he'd hidden it somewhere here in the apartment and so I would need to go out in the hallway until he said I could come in. I was immediately resistant to this idea since we have potsmoking neighbors who drench the entire building in their fumes. It literally makes me sick. So, we agreed that the bathroom would have to do instead.
It really wasn't all that bad of an idea, considering I needed to use the facilities about that time anyway. While I was relieving myself, I could hear him rummaging around, opening doors in the hallway, shutting them, walking around, opening the cabinets in the kitchen, dropping pans, shutting them, walking around some more... I think he opened every door there is to open in the apartment, just for the sake of "throwing me off."
Apparently his hiding spot is very special.
In the time it took him to declare it safe for me to reappear, I could have gone to the bathroom, taken a shower, put on photoshoot-grade makeup, knit a sweater out of toilet paper, gotten pregnant, AND had the baby.
Or at least it felt that way.
I came out and was looking around and, ta-da! On the end table in our living room sat the sacred bag. And when I say sacred, I am DEAD serious. Standing ten inches tall, wrapped in beautifully-familiar, horizontal black-and-white stripes was "Sephora."
We've been friends for years now, and every time she makes an appearance, I can almost assure you no matter what is inside her, I will LOVE it! This time was no exception. My hands went flying into her and found the red tissue paper which held the gift from my handsome hubby. It was a little rectangular box about the size you typically find perfume in. This was a good sign!!!
I'm pretty sure the angels sang when I saw it! I am a HUGE sucker for anything that smells like clean laundry or fresh flowers.
 |
| MAGIC IN A BOTTLE!! |
On top of that, this morning was the Iowa versus Iowa State Game. Let me make this clear, for the record. Generally, I cheer for Nebraska. Additionally, as a rule of thumb, I also typically I cheer for anyone playing against Iowa State football, as I have a particularly bad taste in my mouth for them.
This year, however, my brother was silly enough to post this on Facebook:
So I cheered. I cheered HARD. Plus, I sent him text messages every few good moves that ISU made, just to get him all worked up. (Don't feel bad for him, he does that kind of stuff to me all the time.) And as much as I don't care for the ISU football players (in general), I DO greatly appreciate them contributing to my brother's sobriety.
 |
| I had fun with my outfit :) |
 |
| Doesn't he look snazzy? |
 |
| We shared an order of Calamari--our favorite appetizer ever!! |
 |
| Isaac got sea scallops with spinach and sauce |
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| I got risotto with chicken tenders. It was SO good! There were chunks of tomato, mushroom, onion... yum! |
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| And I had tiramisu for dessert! |
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| Nom, nom! |
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| Isaac had chocolate chip oreo cheesecake. I tried it too... |
Sep 8, 2011
So Nervous
I didn't realize until today how nervous I was for the results of my PET/CT scan.
After my scan this morning, as Isaac and I were walking into the apartment, I told him that I think no matter what the results are come next Wednesday, I'll probably cry.
If it's good, they'll be tears of joy. Just thinking about it today made me get choked up. How awesome would it be if I could be done with chemo next week? It'd be more than awesome--it'd be miraculous! I think the excitement I would have would rival the day Isaac asked me to marry him.
If it's bad, I'll be... well, I'm not really sure what the appropriate word is. Sad isn't quite right. Maybe disappointed? I like to be optimistic and hopeful and I guess I've been kind of wishing this entire time that a miracle would happen and come this PET/CT scan, I'd be clean. Done. Finished.
I can't imagine if we hadn't found this until stage V. My experience so far hasn't even been all that awful, but I carry a TREMENDOUS amount of sympathy for people who have to undergo treatment for any amount of time. I can't even wrap my mind around what a person would feel if they had to endure this for eight months. Or a year.
I guess we'll just have to wait until Wednesday to see what happens.
After my scan this morning, as Isaac and I were walking into the apartment, I told him that I think no matter what the results are come next Wednesday, I'll probably cry.
If it's good, they'll be tears of joy. Just thinking about it today made me get choked up. How awesome would it be if I could be done with chemo next week? It'd be more than awesome--it'd be miraculous! I think the excitement I would have would rival the day Isaac asked me to marry him.
If it's bad, I'll be... well, I'm not really sure what the appropriate word is. Sad isn't quite right. Maybe disappointed? I like to be optimistic and hopeful and I guess I've been kind of wishing this entire time that a miracle would happen and come this PET/CT scan, I'd be clean. Done. Finished.
I can't imagine if we hadn't found this until stage V. My experience so far hasn't even been all that awful, but I carry a TREMENDOUS amount of sympathy for people who have to undergo treatment for any amount of time. I can't even wrap my mind around what a person would feel if they had to endure this for eight months. Or a year.
I guess we'll just have to wait until Wednesday to see what happens.
Sep 5, 2011
Yep. You're Jealous
Just thought I'd share some more of the cool aspects of chemo with ya'll.
The first is that I have a semi-permanent tan that won't cause me skin cancer. The obvious "downside," (if we must call it that) is that I had to get a blood cancer in order to be prescribed the chemotherapy that causes this side effect. Also, it's not exactly cheap. Retailing for around $3000 per session, it's just slightly more than your average tanning bed session, but at least you don't have to soak in the extreme heat to get the same results.
Another is that I have no need for 5-hour energy. I've seen a lot of commercials today (because I'm watching Spike TV's Star Wars marathon) and one that might have interested me pre-cancer would have been this particular energy drink. Now, thanks to chemotherapy, I have no need for it. When you're prescribed to get plenty of rest, it equates to a bounty of energy. However, now, I'm more interested in the commercials for Lunesta.
We also use less water now--and actually, to be truthful, I didn't even use shampoo at all this week.
One bummer is that my bras bother me now. It's kind of weird. Girls, you can probably relate to me on this one. Remember when you first started wearing them, how it just was awkward to have that pressure on your ribcage? I don't know, maybe it was just me. But I felt that. And now I feel it again. Except now it's to the point that it actually hurts. Hopefully not because I'm expanding. It could be though. It's uncomfortable enough that I've started unsnapping it in the car on the way home from wherever because I just couldn't stand it anymore. Like I said, it's odd, but it's real.
On the up-and-up, I get my scans this week! I meet with the ENT tomorrow for them to check out my ear tube, which is probably broken if that's even possible, because I have that kind of luck. Wednesday morning at 7:30 I go to get my Pulmonary Function Test done again to check and see how my lungs are holding up. Then I have to essentially starve myself (no carbs or sugar) from the time I go in for my Pulmonary Function Test until midnight, then literally from midnight until 7:00am Thursday morning in order for my PET/CT scan to read correctly. You'd think with all the snazzy technology we have they would figure out a way to do those things without tormenting people. Whatever. That's life right now.
The first is that I have a semi-permanent tan that won't cause me skin cancer. The obvious "downside," (if we must call it that) is that I had to get a blood cancer in order to be prescribed the chemotherapy that causes this side effect. Also, it's not exactly cheap. Retailing for around $3000 per session, it's just slightly more than your average tanning bed session, but at least you don't have to soak in the extreme heat to get the same results.
Another is that I have no need for 5-hour energy. I've seen a lot of commercials today (because I'm watching Spike TV's Star Wars marathon) and one that might have interested me pre-cancer would have been this particular energy drink. Now, thanks to chemotherapy, I have no need for it. When you're prescribed to get plenty of rest, it equates to a bounty of energy. However, now, I'm more interested in the commercials for Lunesta.
We also use less water now--and actually, to be truthful, I didn't even use shampoo at all this week.
One bummer is that my bras bother me now. It's kind of weird. Girls, you can probably relate to me on this one. Remember when you first started wearing them, how it just was awkward to have that pressure on your ribcage? I don't know, maybe it was just me. But I felt that. And now I feel it again. Except now it's to the point that it actually hurts. Hopefully not because I'm expanding. It could be though. It's uncomfortable enough that I've started unsnapping it in the car on the way home from wherever because I just couldn't stand it anymore. Like I said, it's odd, but it's real.
On the up-and-up, I get my scans this week! I meet with the ENT tomorrow for them to check out my ear tube, which is probably broken if that's even possible, because I have that kind of luck. Wednesday morning at 7:30 I go to get my Pulmonary Function Test done again to check and see how my lungs are holding up. Then I have to essentially starve myself (no carbs or sugar) from the time I go in for my Pulmonary Function Test until midnight, then literally from midnight until 7:00am Thursday morning in order for my PET/CT scan to read correctly. You'd think with all the snazzy technology we have they would figure out a way to do those things without tormenting people. Whatever. That's life right now.
Sep 4, 2011
Mush-Brain, Dribble-Face
Just a couple questions for other people who have undergone or are currently undergoing chemo right now:
- Do you have a hard time concentrating? Just today my mom asked me a question and apparently I gave her some nonsensical answer so she jokingly referred to me as Mush-brain. I'm trying to figure out if it's the chemo or the anti-nausea drugs...
- Do you constantly miss your mouth when you get a drink? Maybe this one is just me, but I think today alone I have missed my mouth at least three times--all of which resulted in me soaking my frontside.
That's all. Just wondering.
Sep 3, 2011
The Benefit
Many of you are probably wondering what happened with the benefit.
It's taken me a while to process the entire thing for a few reasons. First off, because I feel much more comfortable giving than receiving. Secondly, because of the amount of excess that we were blessed with.
Let me explain: Going into this benefit, I was hoping, PRAYING, that we would hit $3000 total. That'd be enough to cover our bills and my car insurance up to the point where (I feel) I should be able to get a job. You see, even though I keep being shown that the cards aren't really in my hands, I still had this plan.
I was still going to get through chemo before the end of the year. I was still going to get a job somewhere (hopefully at Sephora or Ken Paves) by February. And I was still going to be able to pitch in and cover the part of the bills that I was "responsible for" coming into the marriage.
So $3000 should be just perfect.
Except that God decided it wasn't.
I'm an extremely independent person and throughout this experience, I done my best to try and accept what was going on. I didn't fight, argue, blame, or even rebel. I've simply been content, rolled with the punches, and had a few emotional breakdowns.
But I hadn't been HUMBLE.
I had to dictionary.com it to find out exactly what that means. Growing up in church, you hear it all the time and like many "church words," eventually the sparkle wears off and it just becomes something you say at seemingly appropriate times. However, dictionary.com had something for me. Here's what I read: "to destroy the independence, power, or will of."
Alright. So. Apparently, not only had the sparkle worn off, but my mind had twisted the word completely. I had started to equate humbleness with contentment. NOT the same. I wasn't giving up my independence, power, and especially not my will! I guess I kind of felt like bending them in whatever direction God appeared to be bending them would be adequate enough. Not so.
In order to work on actually BREAKING my independence, God gave us more than I thought we needed--a little more than THREE times what I thought we needed. Now what?
I went through a few stages.
First was embarrassment and guilt. I felt the need to call everyone who donated anything and ask them if they for sure meant to donate as much as they did. I mean, we could get along with just the $3000 and if they wanted some of it back--alrighty!
Then I did some more thinking and realized how backwards that was. Who honestly gets blessed with a gift and tries to return it to the giver? Someone who is stuck up and too proud to accept the help they will likely need. Me.
More thoughts kept coming and I realized that many of the people who gave to us, didn't give out of obligation. They gave because they wanted to. They were excited to use what God had given them to bless someone else. Similar to how I get excited when I can bless someone financially. I'm just so happy and fuzzy that I can do something to help! If the person needing help slapped it back at me and said, "I'm fine, don't worry about it," I'd be confused and probably hurt, not understanding why they would reject something given to them at no cost--no strings attached even!
One of my later thoughts was that although I have "my plan" it doesn't necessarily mean that it aligns with God's plan. Who knows? Maybe there are some medical emergencies in the future that we will need the extra for. Or possibly we are meant to bless someone else with what's been given to us. There are a million and one possibilities and just because my little brain doesn't have the capacity to comprehend them all doesn't mean they don't exist.
So I want to thank you all. Thank you for loving us, for investing in us, for financially supporting us in a time where we really don't know what to expect. God has plans for what happened, and although I don't know what they are, I hope that we are good enough stewards to recognize and jump on the opportunities He places before us.
It's taken me a while to process the entire thing for a few reasons. First off, because I feel much more comfortable giving than receiving. Secondly, because of the amount of excess that we were blessed with.
Let me explain: Going into this benefit, I was hoping, PRAYING, that we would hit $3000 total. That'd be enough to cover our bills and my car insurance up to the point where (I feel) I should be able to get a job. You see, even though I keep being shown that the cards aren't really in my hands, I still had this plan.
I was still going to get through chemo before the end of the year. I was still going to get a job somewhere (hopefully at Sephora or Ken Paves) by February. And I was still going to be able to pitch in and cover the part of the bills that I was "responsible for" coming into the marriage.
So $3000 should be just perfect.
Except that God decided it wasn't.
I'm an extremely independent person and throughout this experience, I done my best to try and accept what was going on. I didn't fight, argue, blame, or even rebel. I've simply been content, rolled with the punches, and had a few emotional breakdowns.
But I hadn't been HUMBLE.
I had to dictionary.com it to find out exactly what that means. Growing up in church, you hear it all the time and like many "church words," eventually the sparkle wears off and it just becomes something you say at seemingly appropriate times. However, dictionary.com had something for me. Here's what I read: "to destroy the independence, power, or will of."
Alright. So. Apparently, not only had the sparkle worn off, but my mind had twisted the word completely. I had started to equate humbleness with contentment. NOT the same. I wasn't giving up my independence, power, and especially not my will! I guess I kind of felt like bending them in whatever direction God appeared to be bending them would be adequate enough. Not so.
In order to work on actually BREAKING my independence, God gave us more than I thought we needed--a little more than THREE times what I thought we needed. Now what?
I went through a few stages.
First was embarrassment and guilt. I felt the need to call everyone who donated anything and ask them if they for sure meant to donate as much as they did. I mean, we could get along with just the $3000 and if they wanted some of it back--alrighty!
Then I did some more thinking and realized how backwards that was. Who honestly gets blessed with a gift and tries to return it to the giver? Someone who is stuck up and too proud to accept the help they will likely need. Me.
More thoughts kept coming and I realized that many of the people who gave to us, didn't give out of obligation. They gave because they wanted to. They were excited to use what God had given them to bless someone else. Similar to how I get excited when I can bless someone financially. I'm just so happy and fuzzy that I can do something to help! If the person needing help slapped it back at me and said, "I'm fine, don't worry about it," I'd be confused and probably hurt, not understanding why they would reject something given to them at no cost--no strings attached even!
One of my later thoughts was that although I have "my plan" it doesn't necessarily mean that it aligns with God's plan. Who knows? Maybe there are some medical emergencies in the future that we will need the extra for. Or possibly we are meant to bless someone else with what's been given to us. There are a million and one possibilities and just because my little brain doesn't have the capacity to comprehend them all doesn't mean they don't exist.
So I want to thank you all. Thank you for loving us, for investing in us, for financially supporting us in a time where we really don't know what to expect. God has plans for what happened, and although I don't know what they are, I hope that we are good enough stewards to recognize and jump on the opportunities He places before us.
Sep 2, 2011
A Shi**y Way to Start the Day
Wednesday was chemo-day and I spent the rest of the day knocked out, trying to recover. Yesterday, I can't remember (which should probably be a sign) but I think I was knocked out all day as well.
...And then there's this morning. Mortifying is an appropriate adjective.
I feeling pretty good so when I woke up, I decided to update my calendar. There I was, standing in front of my dry-erase calendar that I chart my life on: updating it with upcoming events such as birthdays, people I want to pray for, and Chavel's wedding. As I was starting to erase some past events, I must have used a little too much uumph or something, because I had an accident.
Yes, an accident. As in, I pooped myself.
Even more unfortunately, I had a pair of my husband's boxers on, which are fantastically comfortable for sleeping in, but don't catch things quite the same as feminine undergarments. A spot of heat hit my left inner ankle and I glanced down to see a brown-ish dot starting to sag downward toward the floor. Realizing that what I thought happened actually HAD, I immediately ran to the bathroom to check the damage and debate whether to wash or toss. The boxers were actually pretty well protected from the damage, but I couldn't imagine Isaac ever wanting to wear them again. I debated a couple more seconds. To the garbage they went.
After cleaning myself up, I armed myself with a soapy wet paper towel and made my way to the scene of the crime, intending to nonchalantly clean the spot unnoticed and uninterrupted.
Wouldn't you know, that's not how it went.
"Ash, what are you doing?" asked Mom.
"Oh, just cleaning up a little spot."
"What happened?" she probed. I sighed.
Can't it just be between me and the carpet....?
Chin tilted at an angle downward, I squared my jaw before looking at her and answering. "I pooped myself, okay?" I'm sure I was shooting daggers at her.
"Oh honey..." I could hear the laughter being held back in her voice as she switched into mother mode. "Where did you put them?"
Embarrassed, I nodded toward the bathroom. "In the garbage." Things were awkward enough as it was and I couldn't imagine my MOTHER digging in our garbage for my husband's now-soiled boxers, so I dove in after them myself. I felt kind of like a dog unearthing it's buried treasure as I pulled them from the garbage. Doesn't this normally happen after people hit 60-something?
"How bad are they?" she asked. I unrolled and unfurled them for her to see. She examined them with a practiced eye. "Don't worry, I'll get a load of laundry started."
"What?? Don't we need to wash them by themselves? Won't they get poop all over everything else?" I asked.
"No, no, no. Just relax, don't worry about it. I've got it. Go take a nap or something."
I did.
And not only did she do the poopy laundry, she did ALL of our laundry. I guess that makes it easier, because now Isaac will never know exactly which pair it was. And really, if a person can't tell, can it even matter?
...And then there's this morning. Mortifying is an appropriate adjective.
I feeling pretty good so when I woke up, I decided to update my calendar. There I was, standing in front of my dry-erase calendar that I chart my life on: updating it with upcoming events such as birthdays, people I want to pray for, and Chavel's wedding. As I was starting to erase some past events, I must have used a little too much uumph or something, because I had an accident.
Yes, an accident. As in, I pooped myself.
Even more unfortunately, I had a pair of my husband's boxers on, which are fantastically comfortable for sleeping in, but don't catch things quite the same as feminine undergarments. A spot of heat hit my left inner ankle and I glanced down to see a brown-ish dot starting to sag downward toward the floor. Realizing that what I thought happened actually HAD, I immediately ran to the bathroom to check the damage and debate whether to wash or toss. The boxers were actually pretty well protected from the damage, but I couldn't imagine Isaac ever wanting to wear them again. I debated a couple more seconds. To the garbage they went.
After cleaning myself up, I armed myself with a soapy wet paper towel and made my way to the scene of the crime, intending to nonchalantly clean the spot unnoticed and uninterrupted.
Wouldn't you know, that's not how it went.
"Ash, what are you doing?" asked Mom.
"Oh, just cleaning up a little spot."
"What happened?" she probed. I sighed.
Can't it just be between me and the carpet....?
Chin tilted at an angle downward, I squared my jaw before looking at her and answering. "I pooped myself, okay?" I'm sure I was shooting daggers at her.
"Oh honey..." I could hear the laughter being held back in her voice as she switched into mother mode. "Where did you put them?"
Embarrassed, I nodded toward the bathroom. "In the garbage." Things were awkward enough as it was and I couldn't imagine my MOTHER digging in our garbage for my husband's now-soiled boxers, so I dove in after them myself. I felt kind of like a dog unearthing it's buried treasure as I pulled them from the garbage. Doesn't this normally happen after people hit 60-something?
"How bad are they?" she asked. I unrolled and unfurled them for her to see. She examined them with a practiced eye. "Don't worry, I'll get a load of laundry started."
"What?? Don't we need to wash them by themselves? Won't they get poop all over everything else?" I asked.
"No, no, no. Just relax, don't worry about it. I've got it. Go take a nap or something."
I did.
And not only did she do the poopy laundry, she did ALL of our laundry. I guess that makes it easier, because now Isaac will never know exactly which pair it was. And really, if a person can't tell, can it even matter?
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