I feel like dealing with life after cancer has been WAY harder than dealing with life during cancer. Sure, I pooped myself a few times, was constantly tired, made several trips to the ER, and felt like I was suicidal toward the end. However, now that the drugs have worn off, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was looking forward to things going "back to normal," when "normal" isn't what it used to be.
I hate going to church on Sunday because it reminds me that "normally" I would be spending time with my Iowa family and friends afterward. I don't feel I'm very good at my sales job, because instead of doing something I love, I'm graded on how much stuff I can sell people. I still have plenty of days where I feel I wouldn't mind if someone shot me or crashed into me and I died, but now I can't blame it on the drugs. Now it's just me.
Once upon a time it felt like life was fairly simple and straightforward. Now it's complex and confusing.
But... what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Right?
What is normal? Have you experienced it since you became Mrs. Hinton? I'm so tired most of the day I can't function much past 5. My mind is so forgetful. I have notes for my notes. My new job is great because I haven't been trained, so I'm doing what I think I'm supposed to do, which is probably not what I need to do. Sometimes sitting in church I just blank out because all the stuff I've got to do at home that didn't get done because I was working and then too tired. Bottom line....I'm still alive for a purpose....even if I'm on auto-pilot for awhile. Smile, slow down, and enjoy life and your "normal". Phil 4:4-9
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking of you today, and how I missed your blog, and then thought, "Maybe she's just super busy, or maybe she's having a hard time with something" and I said a quick prayer for you. And then there's a blog. I'm glad you feel comfortable being so honest and open, I hope it's something that helps you to cope, and I hope you have lots of people you can talk to in person as well. I know it's one more bill and one more Doctor, but have you considered a post cancer counselor or something to help you transition back into your new normal?
ReplyDeleteJust remember that since you got married and moved to Michigan that your normal has been cancer, oddly enough. Now you're adjusting to your post cancer, working and actually getting to (hopefully) enjoy being married Normal. It takes time, even if you're a newlywed who relocates and is healthy. Trust me! Your normal changes daily, whether you've experienced the life obstacles that have been thrown at you or not. I hope things start looking up for you. BIG HUGS!
Cande-
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what normal is, I just know it's not what it used to be. My brain is foggy. I write things down three times and still forget them. I'm sleepy; I could have a nap and sleep til noon every day! I blank out ALL the time: mid-sentence, mid-thought, at home, at work... Remind me how long it's been since you finished chemo? I'm hoping this doesn't last forever.
Karen-
I've found that blogging does help me in a lot of ways--primarily processing what's going on and where my frustrations are actually coming from. I feel the biggest obstacle is the fact that I feel isolated in an area jam-packed with people. I miss going to get gas and seeing faces I know. I miss being able to stop by Mom's work on the way home and drop off some coffee. I miss going on dates with my dad every Friday morning at Panera, getting irritated with my brother, being nosy with my sister, and having Jessica within driving distance. I miss having a church that's practically extended family. I miss my bootcamp buddies, my co-workers at Salon 101... the list goes on and on. I feel like a tree without soil at my roots; I can survive for a period of time, but will I thrive? I don't know.
There have just been more days than I ever expected (during and post-cancer) where it just seems like too much to handle. Everything has a breaking point and I often find myself feeling that I've reached mine. Unfortunately, my general method of coping involves hanging out with friends/family and talking it out. When they're gone though... well, my ability to cope seems to drop significantly as well and that's when my mind starts to wander toward "the dark side."
Hey Ashley!
ReplyDeleteI wish so much that I could be there with you-can we skype? As I read this, I thought of Psalm 1:1-3-
"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord,and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers."
I am praying for you that you will focus on God's word in this time. I'd love to skype-we're about to move so I'm done working...again. :) I'll e-mail soon.
-Katie