Today has been the first day that I've actually started to process that I'm no longer pregnant. I find it a little shocking that I'm grasping it this quickly, because normally I'm extremely slow to digest things. I didn't even realize I lived in Michigan until about a year afterward--it just felt like a bad dream until then.
I've had to wear adult diapers (not really, but pads the size of my calves) for the last couple of days while things started to drain out. I took a shower this morning and watched as big (we're talking quarter-sized) blood clots dropped out of me and splashed on the bathtub floor. I've had them in periods before, but nothing like this. Four or five came out while I was in the shower and another dozen or so have passed since then.
The first one was surprising. I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything, so I stood in shock as it drifted toward the drain. When the second one came out, I trapped it and called for Isaac come in and check it out. They were just so big! He said as long as I wasn't losing too much blood and my uterus was starting to "heal" itself, I should be fine. When the next one came out I watched it. I trapped it again and squished it, seeing it break into blood. Then I started to cry. I broke it. What if there had been pieces of our baby in there? Isaac heard me and came to the bathroom to ask what was wrong. I didn't really know though. I'm just sad.
I trust that God has a place and time for everything.
When we first found out we were pregnant, I was a little excited, but mostly nervous. What about finances? Is it time? What about insurance? Will this work? Then, when we sat down and looked at everything, it was going to be alright. Actually, it was going to be awesome. That was when I started thinking that this was more God's plan than ours. It was also when I think I started to believe that it was going to happen. That we'd have a baby in February.
Then once I finally seemed to get with the program, it ended abruptly.
Now I'm in the timeframe where I know this has happened for a reason, but I have to work on translating that into my life. Into what I do. I'd really love to bury myself in a hole again. Mom was texting me today and reminded me that I need to be careful not to allow my grief to carry me into a depression again. And she's right. I can already feel little fingers of it at certain times. I don't want to go there.
Tomorrow will be a normal day, because it needs to be. I'll get up, give a friend a haircut, go to work for 8-9 hours, and then head to Jen and Joey's house to hang out for a bit and enjoy some barbeque. Then Isaac and I will probably come home and hang out for a bit. Maybe start a movie and then get caught up in conversation, or I'll fall asleep on his lap. Whatever the case, I need to get back to life and not dwell on the sadness because that invites me to a bad place.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
May 27, 2013
Feb 25, 2012
Yuck
I feel like dealing with life after cancer has been WAY harder than dealing with life during cancer. Sure, I pooped myself a few times, was constantly tired, made several trips to the ER, and felt like I was suicidal toward the end. However, now that the drugs have worn off, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was looking forward to things going "back to normal," when "normal" isn't what it used to be.
I hate going to church on Sunday because it reminds me that "normally" I would be spending time with my Iowa family and friends afterward. I don't feel I'm very good at my sales job, because instead of doing something I love, I'm graded on how much stuff I can sell people. I still have plenty of days where I feel I wouldn't mind if someone shot me or crashed into me and I died, but now I can't blame it on the drugs. Now it's just me.
Once upon a time it felt like life was fairly simple and straightforward. Now it's complex and confusing.
But... what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Right?
I hate going to church on Sunday because it reminds me that "normally" I would be spending time with my Iowa family and friends afterward. I don't feel I'm very good at my sales job, because instead of doing something I love, I'm graded on how much stuff I can sell people. I still have plenty of days where I feel I wouldn't mind if someone shot me or crashed into me and I died, but now I can't blame it on the drugs. Now it's just me.
Once upon a time it felt like life was fairly simple and straightforward. Now it's complex and confusing.
But... what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Right?
Sep 29, 2011
Looking Up
My mental shift from the last blog until this one has taken (once again) a very different turn. I got to go back to Iowa for a week, hang out with my in-laws for a few hours, meet with my design guru and start developing a plan for the photoshoot, visit as many friends as I felt I could handle, go to the hair show with the girls (minus Emily because she's PREGNANT!), nap by the fireplace at mom and dad's on Sunday, and then had a pretty rainy drive back home to Michigan.
Let me say, the hair show was a BLAST this year! I went to seminars by Schwarzkopf, Surface, Redken, Mizani, a Moonlighting Taxes workshop, the list goes on and on. This was the first year that I've gone, searching for things to learn, rather than just being there because I had to for school hours. I LOVED IT!!!
My first new love was from Schwarzkopf. They have a new line out called Essensity, which is a much more ecologically friendly line. The scientists at Schwarzkopf went through their color and took out as many of the harmful elements as they could (parabens, sulfates, ammonia, formaldehyde derivatives, and alcohol) to get a color that is MUCH less harmful to your health and the world but still delivers top notch color. Because this line is much more eco-friendly than probably any of the other color lines out there (that I've heard of ) it is a little bit more expensive, but if it works as well as they say it does, the small price increase won't even deter green-conscious clients.
In addition, Surface is a relatively new brand--three years young--that is also in the forefront of eco-friendly products. They don't carry any colors, but are an all-natural, organic, vegan, styling line that have already been receiving a lot of attention from Hollywood. The man in charge of Surface, Wayne Grund, used to be working with another doctor on their baby, Grund. Apparently Wayne had a change of heart about the Grund line when he started to realize how many harmful toxins are in the styling products that we use today, and since to date, his entire family is in the industry, he wanted to crate something that was non-toxic. He wanted it to be something that respected your personal health and respected mother earth. I messed around with it a little bit and am severely interested in purchasing some, but probably will have to wait until the next hair show when I actually have hair and can justify it. One other thing I found cool about Surface is that they donate 10% of their profits to World Vision--I've personally funded kids through world vision before and so I was SO excited to hear this!! It's the icing on the cake!
Now to Redken. Those of you who know me know that I hate Redken for these few simple facts. The color is crap and always pulls extremely warm, the reds don't hold worth a dang, and their whole system seems to be set up as a money-making machine that just eats up both your client's hair and their wallet. Don't get me wrong, you can still walk out with beautiful hair, but in order to keep it that way, you'll be paying for regular, in-salon treatments, at home treatments, pre-and post-blowdrying serums, hairspray, etc... and it just adds up pretty quick. However, I will give them this though. They have the technical stuff down in this business and they keep things fashionably current. As in, if you go in for a haircut, they will pull up a chart that shows them EXACTLY how they did your haircut last time. This is something that is relatively uncommon with many hairstylists. That's why many of us instead will ask what type of "feel" you like. We can work off feelings, but exact replications are extremely difficult. Period. I'm going to be working on that.... once I figure out where to buy those head charts.
Now to my current excitement. The very talented Andrea Dahlberg, from Andrea Dahlberg Photography, has volunteered her services (for a fee, of course) to help me crate a dynamic, stand-out leave behind for when I start going on salon interviews in the (hopefully) near future. For those of you who don't know what that is, a leave behind is kind of like a mini-portfolio that you leave behind with an interviewer that lets them keep a taste of what you can do, without having to leave your ACTUAL portfolio behind.
I. am. stoked!!!!!
We'll be creating a three-picture portfolio, as well as including on the back of the board my name, information, and what I specialize in. The goal is to keep it beautiful, simple, but to the point.
In addition, this next time that I'm back I'll be getting to help with harvest!!! :) :) Aka... running the combine when needed, but probably more so, running the auger cart. I used to not like it so much when I lived closer to home and HAD to do it... Now that I'm almost 700 miles away, I'm excited to come back and help my dad out in that way!
Lastly, for those of you who read the last blog... don't worry. I've not done anything stupid, nor do I plan too. Crazy thoughts will probably still come and go, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God Almighty that there is a reason for it all.
After all, we only have two hopes in this world. Satan, or Jehovah-Yahweh. There is no middle ground in this world, and there never will be. We are either for Satan, or against him. I choose to be against him, to call on the Lord to help me take my crazy thoughts captive and allow Him to comfort me and heal me during those moments where the devil has wormed his way into my thoughts.
I can't imagine trying to do it on my own.
I love you all and can't wait til the next time I see your beautiful faces!!
Let me say, the hair show was a BLAST this year! I went to seminars by Schwarzkopf, Surface, Redken, Mizani, a Moonlighting Taxes workshop, the list goes on and on. This was the first year that I've gone, searching for things to learn, rather than just being there because I had to for school hours. I LOVED IT!!!
My first new love was from Schwarzkopf. They have a new line out called Essensity, which is a much more ecologically friendly line. The scientists at Schwarzkopf went through their color and took out as many of the harmful elements as they could (parabens, sulfates, ammonia, formaldehyde derivatives, and alcohol) to get a color that is MUCH less harmful to your health and the world but still delivers top notch color. Because this line is much more eco-friendly than probably any of the other color lines out there (that I've heard of ) it is a little bit more expensive, but if it works as well as they say it does, the small price increase won't even deter green-conscious clients.
In addition, Surface is a relatively new brand--three years young--that is also in the forefront of eco-friendly products. They don't carry any colors, but are an all-natural, organic, vegan, styling line that have already been receiving a lot of attention from Hollywood. The man in charge of Surface, Wayne Grund, used to be working with another doctor on their baby, Grund. Apparently Wayne had a change of heart about the Grund line when he started to realize how many harmful toxins are in the styling products that we use today, and since to date, his entire family is in the industry, he wanted to crate something that was non-toxic. He wanted it to be something that respected your personal health and respected mother earth. I messed around with it a little bit and am severely interested in purchasing some, but probably will have to wait until the next hair show when I actually have hair and can justify it. One other thing I found cool about Surface is that they donate 10% of their profits to World Vision--I've personally funded kids through world vision before and so I was SO excited to hear this!! It's the icing on the cake!
Now to Redken. Those of you who know me know that I hate Redken for these few simple facts. The color is crap and always pulls extremely warm, the reds don't hold worth a dang, and their whole system seems to be set up as a money-making machine that just eats up both your client's hair and their wallet. Don't get me wrong, you can still walk out with beautiful hair, but in order to keep it that way, you'll be paying for regular, in-salon treatments, at home treatments, pre-and post-blowdrying serums, hairspray, etc... and it just adds up pretty quick. However, I will give them this though. They have the technical stuff down in this business and they keep things fashionably current. As in, if you go in for a haircut, they will pull up a chart that shows them EXACTLY how they did your haircut last time. This is something that is relatively uncommon with many hairstylists. That's why many of us instead will ask what type of "feel" you like. We can work off feelings, but exact replications are extremely difficult. Period. I'm going to be working on that.... once I figure out where to buy those head charts.
Now to my current excitement. The very talented Andrea Dahlberg, from Andrea Dahlberg Photography, has volunteered her services (for a fee, of course) to help me crate a dynamic, stand-out leave behind for when I start going on salon interviews in the (hopefully) near future. For those of you who don't know what that is, a leave behind is kind of like a mini-portfolio that you leave behind with an interviewer that lets them keep a taste of what you can do, without having to leave your ACTUAL portfolio behind.
I. am. stoked!!!!!
We'll be creating a three-picture portfolio, as well as including on the back of the board my name, information, and what I specialize in. The goal is to keep it beautiful, simple, but to the point.
In addition, this next time that I'm back I'll be getting to help with harvest!!! :) :) Aka... running the combine when needed, but probably more so, running the auger cart. I used to not like it so much when I lived closer to home and HAD to do it... Now that I'm almost 700 miles away, I'm excited to come back and help my dad out in that way!
Lastly, for those of you who read the last blog... don't worry. I've not done anything stupid, nor do I plan too. Crazy thoughts will probably still come and go, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting God Almighty that there is a reason for it all.
After all, we only have two hopes in this world. Satan, or Jehovah-Yahweh. There is no middle ground in this world, and there never will be. We are either for Satan, or against him. I choose to be against him, to call on the Lord to help me take my crazy thoughts captive and allow Him to comfort me and heal me during those moments where the devil has wormed his way into my thoughts.
I can't imagine trying to do it on my own.
I love you all and can't wait til the next time I see your beautiful faces!!
Sep 20, 2011
So, Yeah.
Hello, Iowa! I'm coming back! (Yes, again.)
I have a good reason this time, too. Not that I need to create a reason to go to my Iowa home. When all else fails, I can use cancer as the reason. Just another upside to it, I guess.
However. This time, I am coming back for A HAIR SHOW!!! Wahoo!!
Having not been able to consistently do hair for the past five months has made me a little bit nervous that I'm losing my touch, but I'm doing everything (aka, looking at lots of pictures and asking myself how I would get that result) in my power not to become a dummy. Thankfully I've been allowed to do a couple of Isaac's peers and it's been keeping me on my toes.
I spent three hours today driving to get my hands on Keune color. Ridiculous.
Oh, and for those of you out there who care, Salon Centric does NOT carry all of the same brands from state to state. For instance, in Iowa, they carry Schwarzkopf, which is comparable to Keune. Well guess what? In Michigan, there is only ONE store in the ENTIRE STATE that carries it.
And it's an hour and a half away with traffic.
Ten minutes away from the place that carries Keune.
Shoot me.
I bought a variety of colors today so that the next time I need color, I don't have to drive halfway back to Iowa to get it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is that I'm super excited to:
a) come back to Iowa again, as I'm desperately lonely out here
b) go to a hair show
By the way, if you're wondering what you might be able to pray for, pray for me and depression. Once upon a time, I had a conversation with my best friend, who I emphatically told that "I don't believe in depression," only to find out that he had struggled with it for years seconds later.
And, once again, I find myself wanting to go back in time and insert my foot in my mouth during that conversation. I think it's real, and I think I'm dealing with it.
There's something wrong when you're driving down the highway, contemplating whether you want to go home to endure another day or try to get hit by a semi. It's just not "normal." Or maybe it is and I've just never experienced it until now. Either way, I need to figure out what to do with it. It's not a consistent thing, but it does come and go rather frequently the longer I'm out here.
And obviously, since I've never dealt with this before, I'm just mentioning it rather casually because I'm not sure what to do with it. Don't mistake that for sarcasm.
And yes, a lot of you close to me will be surprised to read this, because I haven't mentioned it at all, save to one person.
Again, I'm just not sure what to do with it. Do I mention it? Do I not? No clue. I'm a little nervous to post this, just because I'm not sure what the response will be from certain people who I care about.
The blog is supposed to help me be transparent, to share my thoughts that I either can't, or don't want to verbalize. So there it is.
In the meantime, I'm just hanging out.
I have a good reason this time, too. Not that I need to create a reason to go to my Iowa home. When all else fails, I can use cancer as the reason. Just another upside to it, I guess.
However. This time, I am coming back for A HAIR SHOW!!! Wahoo!!
Having not been able to consistently do hair for the past five months has made me a little bit nervous that I'm losing my touch, but I'm doing everything (aka, looking at lots of pictures and asking myself how I would get that result) in my power not to become a dummy. Thankfully I've been allowed to do a couple of Isaac's peers and it's been keeping me on my toes.
I spent three hours today driving to get my hands on Keune color. Ridiculous.
Oh, and for those of you out there who care, Salon Centric does NOT carry all of the same brands from state to state. For instance, in Iowa, they carry Schwarzkopf, which is comparable to Keune. Well guess what? In Michigan, there is only ONE store in the ENTIRE STATE that carries it.
And it's an hour and a half away with traffic.
Ten minutes away from the place that carries Keune.
Shoot me.
I bought a variety of colors today so that the next time I need color, I don't have to drive halfway back to Iowa to get it.
Anyway, the gist of this post is that I'm super excited to:
a) come back to Iowa again, as I'm desperately lonely out here
b) go to a hair show
By the way, if you're wondering what you might be able to pray for, pray for me and depression. Once upon a time, I had a conversation with my best friend, who I emphatically told that "I don't believe in depression," only to find out that he had struggled with it for years seconds later.
And, once again, I find myself wanting to go back in time and insert my foot in my mouth during that conversation. I think it's real, and I think I'm dealing with it.
There's something wrong when you're driving down the highway, contemplating whether you want to go home to endure another day or try to get hit by a semi. It's just not "normal." Or maybe it is and I've just never experienced it until now. Either way, I need to figure out what to do with it. It's not a consistent thing, but it does come and go rather frequently the longer I'm out here.
And obviously, since I've never dealt with this before, I'm just mentioning it rather casually because I'm not sure what to do with it. Don't mistake that for sarcasm.
And yes, a lot of you close to me will be surprised to read this, because I haven't mentioned it at all, save to one person.
Again, I'm just not sure what to do with it. Do I mention it? Do I not? No clue. I'm a little nervous to post this, just because I'm not sure what the response will be from certain people who I care about.
The blog is supposed to help me be transparent, to share my thoughts that I either can't, or don't want to verbalize. So there it is.
In the meantime, I'm just hanging out.
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