Like a Crack Addict

If you've ever wondered what the after moments of chemotherapy are like, I'll do my best to explain that for you now.  It varies from person to person, so I'm told.  This is my personal account.

I feel like a crack addict.  Literally.  I twitch.  I cry for no reason.  My toes and hands can't quit moving.  I pace the house.  I can't focus.  I can't even read five sentences (that's why it's taken so long for this blog to come out).  I sleep all day.  Literally.  ALL day.  When I am awake, I'm tweaking out.  That's when I decide it's time to go back to sleep.

I hate it.

I've always been able to focus.  To keep my cool and remain collected even when I'm going crazy on the inside.

Not anymore.

Now I pace around like I'm searching for my next "fix."  If only I knew what that was.  Then maybe I could have a moment of sanity for myself.  For my husband.

No.  Instead, he has to watch me.  Sometimes we can laugh about it.  Other times I cry.

I despise this.  I debate whether or not it is worth fighting this cancer.  Maybe it would be better to live a shorter, fuller life, than be like this.

I don't even know if it will go away.  What if I'm like this forever?

The silver lining is that today is better.  Today I can focus enough to write a few short sentences.