If you've ever wondered what the after moments of chemotherapy are like, I'll do my best to explain that for you now. It varies from person to person, so I'm told. This is my personal account.
I feel like a crack addict. Literally. I twitch. I cry for no reason. My toes and hands can't quit moving. I pace the house. I can't focus. I can't even read five sentences (that's why it's taken so long for this blog to come out). I sleep all day. Literally. ALL day. When I am awake, I'm tweaking out. That's when I decide it's time to go back to sleep.
I hate it.
I've always been able to focus. To keep my cool and remain collected even when I'm going crazy on the inside.
Not anymore.
Now I pace around like I'm searching for my next "fix." If only I knew what that was. Then maybe I could have a moment of sanity for myself. For my husband.
No. Instead, he has to watch me. Sometimes we can laugh about it. Other times I cry.
I despise this. I debate whether or not it is worth fighting this cancer. Maybe it would be better to live a shorter, fuller life, than be like this.
I don't even know if it will go away. What if I'm like this forever?
The silver lining is that today is better. Today I can focus enough to write a few short sentences.
Ashley Marie, you check your attitude right now! This is going to be worth it, this is going to end the cancer, and it is SO TEMPORARY! I'm going to be praying for your spazzing out to stop, but you work on keeping a smile on your face. Don't even consider other options other than BEING HEALED!
ReplyDeleteLove you so much, and I send hugs your way!
xoxox
Meg G.
Ashley sue!!!! I agree with Meg, take those thoughts and make them captive! God is going to give you strength, strength which you do not have on your own....strength that can only be found in him okayyy? Depend on His promises. Lean on them. He will bring you through. Meditate upon his promises today.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm just confused about your middle name! I'll say it again, this too shall pass! Remember what I said about your sleep pattern getting a little off? Making sure you have food on hand to prepare in the middle of the night? yep, you're experiencing it! Restlessness, tiredness, brain "duh", high strung emotions, self doubt, and sometimes great joy. You're normal. I know your frustrations. Keep it in check and blame the chemo -- for everything! Enjoy your date with the great husband which God has blessed you!
ReplyDeleteWish I could send Payton to you and you guys could put on some music and no focus together. she a pro at it! love you! make sure you check your mail this next week!
ReplyDeleteHaha!!! Jess I would take her in a heartbeat!! :) We could dance around and look like loons all day long! I'm keeping and eye on the mail!
ReplyDeleteCande- It is legally Brekke now, although before it was Marie. Meg and I have been friends forever though, so I think Marie is permanently ingrained in her head :) And Jessica and I have jokes where my middle name is Sue or Elizabeth and hers is Elizabeth or Louise, though neither are true :)