Today has been the first day that I've actually started to process that I'm no longer pregnant. I find it a little shocking that I'm grasping it this quickly, because normally I'm extremely slow to digest things. I didn't even realize I lived in Michigan until about a year afterward--it just felt like a bad dream until then.
I've had to wear adult diapers (not really, but pads the size of my calves) for the last couple of days while things started to drain out. I took a shower this morning and watched as big (we're talking quarter-sized) blood clots dropped out of me and splashed on the bathtub floor. I've had them in periods before, but nothing like this. Four or five came out while I was in the shower and another dozen or so have passed since then.
The first one was surprising. I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything, so I stood in shock as it drifted toward the drain. When the second one came out, I trapped it and called for Isaac come in and check it out. They were just so big! He said as long as I wasn't losing too much blood and my uterus was starting to "heal" itself, I should be fine. When the next one came out I watched it. I trapped it again and squished it, seeing it break into blood. Then I started to cry. I broke it. What if there had been pieces of our baby in there? Isaac heard me and came to the bathroom to ask what was wrong. I didn't really know though. I'm just sad.
I trust that God has a place and time for everything.
When we first found out we were pregnant, I was a little excited, but mostly nervous. What about finances? Is it time? What about insurance? Will this work? Then, when we sat down and looked at everything, it was going to be alright. Actually, it was going to be awesome. That was when I started thinking that this was more God's plan than ours. It was also when I think I started to believe that it was going to happen. That we'd have a baby in February.
Then once I finally seemed to get with the program, it ended abruptly.
Now I'm in the timeframe where I know this has happened for a reason, but I have to work on translating that into my life. Into what I do. I'd really love to bury myself in a hole again. Mom was texting me today and reminded me that I need to be careful not to allow my grief to carry me into a depression again. And she's right. I can already feel little fingers of it at certain times. I don't want to go there.
Tomorrow will be a normal day, because it needs to be. I'll get up, give a friend a haircut, go to work for 8-9 hours, and then head to Jen and Joey's house to hang out for a bit and enjoy some barbeque. Then Isaac and I will probably come home and hang out for a bit. Maybe start a movie and then get caught up in conversation, or I'll fall asleep on his lap. Whatever the case, I need to get back to life and not dwell on the sadness because that invites me to a bad place.
May 27, 2013
May 25, 2013
5:30 a.m. The Day After
It's 5:30 in the morning here. The sun has just started to creep up over the height of the apartment complex and things are only halfway visible. I woke up to start getting ready for work. We have a big event today at Nordstrom. After we left the hospital yesterday, I texted my Assistant Manager and let her know that I planned on still making it in today. I'm supposed to be speaking in a show that we're holding this morning, as well as giving a few facials and teaching some customers about the benefits of using the Clarins products on their skin. However, I'm still bleeding at a decent rate and I'm not allowed to use tampons to soak it up--probably because those aren't designed to hold clots, I'm guessing. So I'm not going in.
I feel guilty for not being able to go in during an event. I sent about 20 texts to my Assistant Manager this morning giving her information about a few things that I was planning on doing this morning and I know she's already got enough on her plate. And add to that, the segment of time they were planning on me taking up during the show.... well, I don't know what they're going to do with it. I guess this is just the most un-ideal time for this to happen. Next weekend would have been much more convenient. There's nothing going on.
So now I'm wide awake, blogging about working because I can't actually be at work. I must have a disorder of some kind, because everyone else says my body should be a priority and in my head, my responsibilities at work are battling for that position.
Isaac and I talked about the baby off and on all day yesterday. We deal with things very differently. My coping mechanisms are sleeping, writing, and eating. He can't stomach anything, can't sleep, and keeps himself occupied. But at least we talk about it. Counseling has been immensely helpful in us learning to communicate better in situations that I find stressful. We've been going to see Jessica Couch pretty regularly since I ended chemotherapy last year and we love her.
He wanted to call it Dion if it was a boy. I loved Sevita for a girl. We probably going to be due in February and I was planning on taking maternity leave until the middle of April, which was perfectly convenient because Isaac would be ending rotations at that time and could stay home with the baby until we had to move for residency. It was unplanned, but was going to work out absolutely wonderfully, time-wise.
I didn't realize until I miscarried that I had started to want a baby.
For several months before I quit using birth control, I had been gung-ho against having kids until we were back in my beloved Iowa because my emotional life has been emotionally unpredictable since moving for med school. I was depressed for a long time and struggled with some suicidal issues because I felt like I had no support here. I'm extremely slow to make friends, and even slower to trust. Blame it on past relationships or whatever you want, but the fact of the matter is that I'm broken in that area. And then heap cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, medical bills, and being newlyweds on top of that... yikes! I wasn't an anchor for Isaac during that time--I was a deadweight, pulling him down, down, down.
I don't want to do that to a child. He didn't deserve it when it happened and they wouldn't either. So how to prevent it? Well my answer was just don't have kids. Not until you are home in your safety zone surrounded by my Iowa family, friends, and other familiar faces because there you can break down and you know people will help. They've helped before when I was diagnosed and pulled together over $10,000 to help with medical bills and expenses that we couldn't pay for because I couldn't work during treatment. I know I'm safe with them. I trust them.
But then at some point, I started to realize I can't let my fear rule that area of my life, because we may never have children if I do. There's no guarantee that I'll ever live near my Iowa family again, and even less of one during residency. You just take what you get. Even though thinking about it is enough to get me worked into tears again, I think that's just something I have to get used to. It's just extremely hard and very much heartbreaking to me, but it's life. Sometimes life sucks. There are other people whose families aren't even alive anymore, so I just need to think about the fact that mine are living and healthy--even if I can't be with them.
Writing the last couple paragraphs was really hard... exhausting, actually, so I've cried again for a while now and I'm going to go back to sleep. I'll have to finish my thoughts later.
I feel guilty for not being able to go in during an event. I sent about 20 texts to my Assistant Manager this morning giving her information about a few things that I was planning on doing this morning and I know she's already got enough on her plate. And add to that, the segment of time they were planning on me taking up during the show.... well, I don't know what they're going to do with it. I guess this is just the most un-ideal time for this to happen. Next weekend would have been much more convenient. There's nothing going on.
So now I'm wide awake, blogging about working because I can't actually be at work. I must have a disorder of some kind, because everyone else says my body should be a priority and in my head, my responsibilities at work are battling for that position.
Isaac and I talked about the baby off and on all day yesterday. We deal with things very differently. My coping mechanisms are sleeping, writing, and eating. He can't stomach anything, can't sleep, and keeps himself occupied. But at least we talk about it. Counseling has been immensely helpful in us learning to communicate better in situations that I find stressful. We've been going to see Jessica Couch pretty regularly since I ended chemotherapy last year and we love her.
He wanted to call it Dion if it was a boy. I loved Sevita for a girl. We probably going to be due in February and I was planning on taking maternity leave until the middle of April, which was perfectly convenient because Isaac would be ending rotations at that time and could stay home with the baby until we had to move for residency. It was unplanned, but was going to work out absolutely wonderfully, time-wise.
I didn't realize until I miscarried that I had started to want a baby.
For several months before I quit using birth control, I had been gung-ho against having kids until we were back in my beloved Iowa because my emotional life has been emotionally unpredictable since moving for med school. I was depressed for a long time and struggled with some suicidal issues because I felt like I had no support here. I'm extremely slow to make friends, and even slower to trust. Blame it on past relationships or whatever you want, but the fact of the matter is that I'm broken in that area. And then heap cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, medical bills, and being newlyweds on top of that... yikes! I wasn't an anchor for Isaac during that time--I was a deadweight, pulling him down, down, down.
I don't want to do that to a child. He didn't deserve it when it happened and they wouldn't either. So how to prevent it? Well my answer was just don't have kids. Not until you are home in your safety zone surrounded by my Iowa family, friends, and other familiar faces because there you can break down and you know people will help. They've helped before when I was diagnosed and pulled together over $10,000 to help with medical bills and expenses that we couldn't pay for because I couldn't work during treatment. I know I'm safe with them. I trust them.
But then at some point, I started to realize I can't let my fear rule that area of my life, because we may never have children if I do. There's no guarantee that I'll ever live near my Iowa family again, and even less of one during residency. You just take what you get. Even though thinking about it is enough to get me worked into tears again, I think that's just something I have to get used to. It's just extremely hard and very much heartbreaking to me, but it's life. Sometimes life sucks. There are other people whose families aren't even alive anymore, so I just need to think about the fact that mine are living and healthy--even if I can't be with them.
Writing the last couple paragraphs was really hard... exhausting, actually, so I've cried again for a while now and I'm going to go back to sleep. I'll have to finish my thoughts later.
May 24, 2013
Surprises in May
The original purpose of this blog was to stay connected to friends and family back in Iowa when Isaac and I moved to Michigan for his medical schooling. When I got diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after moving, it took on a new purpose--being open with people about our struggles while navigating through them.
This year, we celebrated our anniversary on May 8th. It was awesome. I had to close at Nordstrom and Isaac worked in the morning, so we didn't get to do anything the day of. However, the morning after, I had my routine PET/CT scan and then was off for the day.
Since we were no longer preventing pregnancy, the hospital had to do a blood test for pregnancy before I could get my scan. Had I realized how long they had to wait for the labs to get back, I might have stopped by the morning before so I didn't have to sit around for an hour, but lesson learned. While I was waiting to get injected with the radioactive glucose, the tech and I were chatting about life. When you get tests like this done regularly, you start to get to know the people at the hospital pretty well. This guy was new to me--I'd only had him once before--so we were talking about family and how long he'd been working as a tech.
At some point in the conversation, he started talking about the statistics of how many people have actually been pregnant when they come in for their PET/CT scan.
Zero.
In his 12+ years of working as a radiology tech, he said he'd never had a result come back positive. That's not exactly comforting. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant, but it indicated to me there's a pretty strong correlation between people who get PET/CTs and not being pregnant. Maybe it's because a majority of the people he sees are older, maybe it's because there's an unknown side effect of getting them regularly, or who knows what.... but I was kind of bummed when he told me that.
When the lab finally called, he went into the other room to hear the results and I was straining my ears to see if there was any surprise in his voice that might indicate I was pregnant. Nope. None at all. By the time he hung up the phone I was settled in and ready to get injected, even though I was bummed. He came back in the room and surprise, surprise: "Well ma'am, you're not going to be able to get your scan done today because we don't want to bake the baby!"
I'm sure I had a really big smile on my face but the only thing that absorbed at that point was that I wasn't going to be able to get my PET/CT. Still, I walked out of the hospital grinning like a goon. And I still smile now remembering the feeling. I started to process it on the way home and screamed and cried a couple of times in the car on my way home. Isaac was supposed to be at the hospital that morning, so when I pulled into our apartment complex and saw his car there, I was even more excited that I'd be able to tell him right away.
Now, my husband is a man of one face. His expression rarely changes, regardless of the circumstance. I have no idea how that works, because everything I feel shows on my face. I decided I'd try and play the "one-face" game when I told him to see if I could get a reaction out of him. The conversation went something like this-
Isaac: "How did your scan go?"
Me: "I don't know."
Isaac: "Well, how do you think it went?" (You normally have to wait a few days to get results)
Me: "I don't know. I didn't have one."
Isaac: "Why?"
Me: "We're pregnant."
Isaac: "What?"
AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION NEVER CHANGED!!!!!! I tried, ladies and gentlemen. I tried. At first he thought I was joking, because I was doing a good job at hiding my own excitement. Once he finally understood that I wasn't pranking him, he did crack a smile and laugh a bit.
Over the last couple of weeks, we've started doing things that I'm sure other parents-to-be do: talking about the baby, discussing names, figuring out insurance, finances, etc... We've gotten a little attached to it and were envisioning a future with a child.
I say "were" because this morning I miscarried.
This week has been crazy, stress-wise. My closest friend in Michigan, Pearl, has packed up and is moving to Texas today. The cosmetic line that I manage started a gift with purchase on Wednesday (which I worked a 12-hour shift for). And today we started a department-wide event that will run through today and tomorrow and will draw in hundreds of women and lots of chaos.
When I arrived at work this morning, I started to bleed a little bit. I only noticed because I'm out of my "good" undergarments and I felt like I was getting an underwear line that was showing. I went to adjust it, and while using the facilities, saw blood. Bright red blood. Pregnant women shouldn't bleed.
I called my husband because he always knows what to do, and after giving me an over-the-phone exam, he came and picked me up. Off to the ER we went. During our 3-hour stay there, I bled and bled and bled. Chunks of blood. I was given a foley catheter (a pinch uncomfortable getting it in, by the way) and they took me to ultrasound to take images of my uterus and ovaries. After that, a few blood labs, and a pelvic exam, the doctor told Isaac and I that my pregnancy hormone had dropped significantly, indicating I was most likely no longer carrying.
So we were pregnant.
And now we're not.
I'm exhausted. There's the unwritten rule that you don't share that you're pregnant until you're past the 12-week mark. I was too excited, so I told quite a few people... probably half of the ladies I work with, some friends, and my three closest girlfriends. After we left the hospital I sent out a mass text letting everyone know.
The rest of today has been filled with talking to my husband and my mom, naps, cramps, and getting lots of hugs and kisses from my husband. He even took a nap with me, even though he wasn't tired--which is a HUGE thing. I've gotten a ton of supportive texts and a couple of extremely sweet voicemails.
Thank you, to those of you who have given me encouragement. It's still painful, but less.
We're going to keep "not preventing," but we'll see what happens. The silver lining is that we know we CAN get pregnant. Now to see if they'll ever stick...
This year, we celebrated our anniversary on May 8th. It was awesome. I had to close at Nordstrom and Isaac worked in the morning, so we didn't get to do anything the day of. However, the morning after, I had my routine PET/CT scan and then was off for the day.
Since we were no longer preventing pregnancy, the hospital had to do a blood test for pregnancy before I could get my scan. Had I realized how long they had to wait for the labs to get back, I might have stopped by the morning before so I didn't have to sit around for an hour, but lesson learned. While I was waiting to get injected with the radioactive glucose, the tech and I were chatting about life. When you get tests like this done regularly, you start to get to know the people at the hospital pretty well. This guy was new to me--I'd only had him once before--so we were talking about family and how long he'd been working as a tech.
At some point in the conversation, he started talking about the statistics of how many people have actually been pregnant when they come in for their PET/CT scan.
Zero.
In his 12+ years of working as a radiology tech, he said he'd never had a result come back positive. That's not exactly comforting. I wasn't exactly sure what it meant, but it indicated to me there's a pretty strong correlation between people who get PET/CTs and not being pregnant. Maybe it's because a majority of the people he sees are older, maybe it's because there's an unknown side effect of getting them regularly, or who knows what.... but I was kind of bummed when he told me that.
When the lab finally called, he went into the other room to hear the results and I was straining my ears to see if there was any surprise in his voice that might indicate I was pregnant. Nope. None at all. By the time he hung up the phone I was settled in and ready to get injected, even though I was bummed. He came back in the room and surprise, surprise: "Well ma'am, you're not going to be able to get your scan done today because we don't want to bake the baby!"
I'm sure I had a really big smile on my face but the only thing that absorbed at that point was that I wasn't going to be able to get my PET/CT. Still, I walked out of the hospital grinning like a goon. And I still smile now remembering the feeling. I started to process it on the way home and screamed and cried a couple of times in the car on my way home. Isaac was supposed to be at the hospital that morning, so when I pulled into our apartment complex and saw his car there, I was even more excited that I'd be able to tell him right away.
Now, my husband is a man of one face. His expression rarely changes, regardless of the circumstance. I have no idea how that works, because everything I feel shows on my face. I decided I'd try and play the "one-face" game when I told him to see if I could get a reaction out of him. The conversation went something like this-
Isaac: "How did your scan go?"
Me: "I don't know."
Isaac: "Well, how do you think it went?" (You normally have to wait a few days to get results)
Me: "I don't know. I didn't have one."
Isaac: "Why?"
Me: "We're pregnant."
Isaac: "What?"
AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION NEVER CHANGED!!!!!! I tried, ladies and gentlemen. I tried. At first he thought I was joking, because I was doing a good job at hiding my own excitement. Once he finally understood that I wasn't pranking him, he did crack a smile and laugh a bit.
Over the last couple of weeks, we've started doing things that I'm sure other parents-to-be do: talking about the baby, discussing names, figuring out insurance, finances, etc... We've gotten a little attached to it and were envisioning a future with a child.
I say "were" because this morning I miscarried.
This week has been crazy, stress-wise. My closest friend in Michigan, Pearl, has packed up and is moving to Texas today. The cosmetic line that I manage started a gift with purchase on Wednesday (which I worked a 12-hour shift for). And today we started a department-wide event that will run through today and tomorrow and will draw in hundreds of women and lots of chaos.
When I arrived at work this morning, I started to bleed a little bit. I only noticed because I'm out of my "good" undergarments and I felt like I was getting an underwear line that was showing. I went to adjust it, and while using the facilities, saw blood. Bright red blood. Pregnant women shouldn't bleed.
I called my husband because he always knows what to do, and after giving me an over-the-phone exam, he came and picked me up. Off to the ER we went. During our 3-hour stay there, I bled and bled and bled. Chunks of blood. I was given a foley catheter (a pinch uncomfortable getting it in, by the way) and they took me to ultrasound to take images of my uterus and ovaries. After that, a few blood labs, and a pelvic exam, the doctor told Isaac and I that my pregnancy hormone had dropped significantly, indicating I was most likely no longer carrying.
So we were pregnant.
And now we're not.
I'm exhausted. There's the unwritten rule that you don't share that you're pregnant until you're past the 12-week mark. I was too excited, so I told quite a few people... probably half of the ladies I work with, some friends, and my three closest girlfriends. After we left the hospital I sent out a mass text letting everyone know.
The rest of today has been filled with talking to my husband and my mom, naps, cramps, and getting lots of hugs and kisses from my husband. He even took a nap with me, even though he wasn't tired--which is a HUGE thing. I've gotten a ton of supportive texts and a couple of extremely sweet voicemails.
Thank you, to those of you who have given me encouragement. It's still painful, but less.
We're going to keep "not preventing," but we'll see what happens. The silver lining is that we know we CAN get pregnant. Now to see if they'll ever stick...
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