My Ellianna Marie

It's 7:30am and I've been up since 5:45am, trying to figure out why the right side of my back hurts.  I'm not sure if it's just pregnancy, or if I maybe overexerted myself a bit during a back workout earlier this week.  Regardless, I'm now snacking on a bowl of cereal while I browse the internet for recipes and sit here with Lady Hinton practicing karate in my uterus.

Hopefully I start to feel tired again soon.  I have to work for inventory at 4 until probably 11 or midnight tonight...

Speaking of browsing for recipes, I've found an awesome digital cookbook: YUMPRINT.  It's extremely easy to use, although sometimes I find the OCD in me wishes it were easier to re-organize recipes once I've found them.  I've been using it for over a month now and love how it not only stores all of my online recipes in one spot, but it also links each of them back to the original page where I first discovered them.  This comes in really handy when I forget to utilize my "Bookmarks" to save cooking blogs.

And just in case you were wondering, my new niece was born 6 days ago.  Her name is Ellianna Marie and she is the most precious little lady ever!

Proud Daddy Tim!!

Lovey-dovey time with Mommy (Courtney).

Fresh out of the womb snuggling with Laura! (Who is the BEST photo-documenter!)

Checking out the new environment!

Relaxing with Uncle Ike the next day. 

4 Days old now and already wiping out Poppa...

and Nana!

But Uncle Ike has enough energy to keep up with me!

I could just stare at her for hours….

Actually, I do.  And Mom (Nana) sent me a video of her too!  I think I've watched it at least twenty times.  It's so adorable.  She's just tries to suck on everything and makes a little squeaky noise.  I could just smooch her forever!!

Pregnancy Thus Far

How is this pregnancy going?  Well, let me tell you....

It's nauseating.  Like that stench in your garbage disposal that won't go away no matter what you do.  I'm doing what I can to cope with it.  Isaac went and bought me Sea Bands that I'm scared to take off except when I shower (just in case they're working), I have a stash of corn chips at work to crunch on between meals since an empty stomach seems to trigger queasiness and there's a half-empty bottle of ginger ale in our fridge.  Sleep seems to be the best solution, simply because I don't feel anything when I sleep, which brings me to the next thing.

It's exhausting.  I want to go to bed at 9pm, sleep til 10am, and then take five naps during the day.  Ridiculous.

It's pee-filled.  Yes.  Pee.  Every.  Single.  Hour.  Oh, you said you wanted to sleep, Ashley?  Well, too bad!  Getting up at least once in the night to go to the bathroom is now routine.  It's also not unusual for me to visit "France" at Nordstrom several times a day, too.  At least I can play Candy Crush while I'm in there...

It's hot.  Literally.  I have a thyroid condition that usually makes me extremely sensitive to cold, but right now, no matter what I do, I'm hot.  Several times in the past couple of weeks, while I'm making my nightly trip to the throne, I've stopped by the thermostat and lowered the temperature because I've been boiling.  Last night Isaac was wearing sweatpants and a blanket.  What did I have on?  His boxers and a cami.

It's gassy.  That's cute!  Uh, NOT.  I've been doing laps around the floor at Nordstrom because I feel like I have to drop the bomb and keep moving so nobody knows it was me.  Thankfully they haven't been awful, but still.... awkward.  Sometimes the gas doesn't come out that end, though, and I find myself burping a lot too.  Gross and grosser.  Especially working in a high-end department store.  PS, if you're my co-worker reading this... Sorry.  I do what I can.

It's making my stomach a Nazi.  I can't eat too often, but I can't wait too long to eat either.  Waiting too long, well, that'll earn me a case of nausea.  Eat too often?  Well, take a guess.... Yep!  Nausea for that too!  No matter what I do, my stomach is not happy.  It's a little hard to find the balance while working at Nordstrom since I don't think they like me taking a break to eat every hour.  Hence, my chip stash.  Oh, and PS, I put on about 4 pounds in the last week.  So much for the weight loss competition I was going to win.

It's not getting me in "the mood."  Poor Isaac.  It's hard enough for us to connect since our schedules are at odds.  Now add that to the above list... you can see the cards are stacked against him.  I'm hopeful that will change soon.

Welcome to pregnancy.

Weddings, Babies, and Obesity.

A lot has been happening lately!  Usually when I don't blog, it's because life is redundant and I feel like I have nothing to talk about--that's not been the case lately!!

Event #1: Jessica got married!  Talk about crazy!  I was responsible for her hair and makeup, as well as decorating the reception venue, so when I was back in Iowa last week, there was quite a bit to accomplish.  The ceremony was beautiful and the bride, GORGEOUS!!!!!!

And we had a surprise the morning of her wedding, which brings me to...

Event #2: WE'RE PREGNANT!!!! :) :)  I've started experiencing "wonderful" symptoms, such as bloating, cramps, nausea, obscene gassiness, and difficulty breathing out of my nose without sounding like I'm an obese person that just walked up a flight of stairs.

Event #3: Courtney got married!  This one was a short notice and quick planning, but everything turned out beautifully and her and Tim are now in their little apartment, getting ready for Baby #2--WHICH IS A GIRL!!!!!!!

Event #4: I got a promotion!!  I'm now a beauty stylist, which means that I'm kind of the concierge of cosmetics.  My job is to find you the best products based on your personal style, skin needs, and budget.  It's awesome!

Oh... and Emily changed my hair color and cut.  I'm "growing it out" for Isaac....

That's NOT a kitty-cat...

So I've been trying to figure out how to share this part of the story.  I haven't really come up with any solid ways of doing it, so I guess I'll just get it out there.

Let's hop back in time a few weeks...

A couple of weeks after we learned we were pregnant, my sister called me.  We were chatting more than usual, since she'd found out we were going to have a baby.  She LOVES LOVES LOVES little kids and was thrilled to hear our news.  I was cooking in the kitchen and I could tell something was different.  We were talking, but she wasn't really following the conversation.  Her questions, although normal questions, were coming out different than usual and I got the feeling that she had something she wanted to share with me, but for some reason, wasn't saying it.

I needed both of my hands in the kitchen, and since she was being a bit weird, I told her that she could feel free to call me back when she decided to say whatever it was that she wasn't saying.  The normal goodbyes were exchanged and before she hung up she said that she was going to send me a picture and she wanted to know what I thought.

Usually the pictures I get from her are of her cats, like this one:

The picture I got this time was different:

This isn't the exact picture, because my phone got replaced between now and then.  But you get the idea

So I called her right back.

Is that yours?
Yes.
You know you're going to have to tell mom, right?
Yeah.
Oh boy.

Needless to say, this was unexpected.  And did I mention that my little sister is 18 years old and that this was 3 weeks before she graduated high school?  And... And... And....???  All I could get out after that point was, "Well, you need to start taking pre-natals if you haven't already and you need to schedule an appointment with an OB-Gyn."

Woah baby.  Or, babies, I guess.  We would have been due at the same time.

So there will be a Brekke family baby--but not coming from the person people were expecting.

My feelings are conflicted.  I could list the reasons why I think this is not a great idea, but that won't benefit anything.  What will be, will be.  Apparently God thinks that this is a great way to connect with Courtney, otherwise it wouldn't have happened.  My job is to love unconditionally, and to be the best aunt I can be.

As her sister, I've done what I can to protect her from the realities that this world can offer.  We've talked, yelled, hugged, cried, etc... together over the years.  Like me, though, she is stubborn.  Learning the hard way is her way.  We all make choices, good and bad, and some of them have more obvious consequences--this would be one of them.  I want to put this out there now though.

For those of you who are friends with me, who know my sister, who know my family, and some of you who ARE my family... think before you react.  Courtney does not claim to be a Christian, so according to her beliefs (or non-beliefs, depending how you look at it) so you cannot hold her to that standard.  Obviously nobody who truly loves her would choose this for her, but a child is a blessing, and needs to be viewed as such.  This is just part of her journey.  Hopefully part that shatters her misconceptions of God's love and that brings her to a place where she can see it for herself, raw and real.  True.  Untainted.

Because in that form, and ONLY in that form, it is beautiful.

And The Day After That...

Today has been the first day that I've actually started to process that I'm no longer pregnant.  I find it a little shocking that I'm grasping it this quickly, because normally I'm extremely slow to digest things. I didn't even realize I lived in Michigan until about a year afterward--it just felt like a bad dream until then.

I've had to wear adult diapers (not really, but pads the size of my calves) for the last couple of days while things started to drain out.  I took a shower this morning and watched as big (we're talking quarter-sized) blood clots dropped out of me and splashed on the bathtub floor.  I've had them in periods before, but nothing like this.  Four or five came out while I was in the shower and another dozen or so have passed since then.

The first one was surprising.  I didn't know what to do, or if I should do anything, so I stood in shock as it drifted toward the drain.  When the second one came out, I trapped it and called for Isaac come in and check it out.  They were just so big!  He said as long as I wasn't losing too much blood and my uterus was starting to "heal" itself, I should be fine.  When the next one came out I watched it.  I trapped it again and squished it, seeing it break into blood.  Then I started to cry.  I broke it.  What if there had been pieces of our baby in there?  Isaac heard me and came to the bathroom to ask what was wrong.  I didn't really know though.  I'm just sad.

I trust that God has a place and time for everything.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I was a little excited, but mostly nervous.  What about finances?  Is it time?  What about insurance?  Will this work?  Then, when we sat down and looked at everything, it was going to be alright.  Actually, it was going to be awesome.  That was when I started thinking that this was more God's plan than ours.  It was also when I think I started to believe that it was going to happen.  That we'd have a baby in February.

Then once I finally seemed to get with the program, it ended abruptly.

Now I'm in the timeframe where I know this has happened for a reason, but I have to work on translating that into my life.  Into what I do.  I'd really love to bury myself in a hole again.  Mom was texting me today and reminded me that I need to be careful not to allow my grief to carry me into a depression again.  And she's right.  I can already feel little fingers of it at certain times.  I don't want to go there.

Tomorrow will be a normal day, because it needs to be.  I'll get up, give a friend a haircut, go to work for 8-9 hours, and then head to Jen and Joey's house to hang out for a bit and enjoy some barbeque.  Then Isaac and I will probably come home and hang out for a bit.  Maybe start a movie and then get caught up in conversation, or I'll fall asleep on his lap.  Whatever the case, I need to get back to life and not dwell on the sadness because that invites me to a bad place.

Surprises in May

The original purpose of this blog was to stay connected to friends and family back in Iowa when Isaac and I moved to Michigan for his medical schooling.  When I got diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after moving, it took on a new purpose--being open with people about our struggles while navigating through them.

This year, we celebrated our anniversary on May 8th.  It was awesome.  I had to close at Nordstrom and Isaac worked in the morning, so we didn't get to do anything the day of.  However, the morning after, I had my routine PET/CT scan and then was off for the day.

Since we were no longer preventing pregnancy, the hospital had to do a blood test for pregnancy before I could get my scan.  Had I realized how long they had to wait for the labs to get back, I might have stopped by the morning before so I didn't have to sit around for an hour, but lesson learned.  While I was waiting to get injected with the radioactive glucose, the tech and I were chatting about life.  When you get tests like this done regularly, you start to get to know the people at the hospital pretty well.  This guy was new to me--I'd only had him once before--so we were talking about family and how long he'd been working as a tech.

At some point in the conversation, he started talking about the statistics of how many people have actually been pregnant when they come in for their PET/CT scan.

Zero.

In his 12+ years of working as a radiology tech, he said he'd never had a result come back positive.  That's not exactly comforting.  I wasn't exactly sure what it meant, but it indicated to me there's a pretty strong correlation between people who get PET/CTs and not being pregnant.  Maybe it's because a majority of the people he sees are older, maybe it's because there's an unknown side effect of getting them regularly, or who knows what.... but I was kind of bummed when he told me that.

When the lab finally called, he went into the other room to hear the results and I was straining my ears to see if there was any surprise in his voice that might indicate I was pregnant.  Nope.  None at all.  By the time he hung up the phone I was settled in and ready to get injected, even though I was bummed.  He came back in the room and surprise, surprise: "Well ma'am, you're not going to be able to get your scan done today because we don't want to bake the baby!"

I'm sure I had a really big smile on my face but the only thing that absorbed at that point was that I wasn't going to be able to get my PET/CT.  Still, I walked out of the hospital grinning like a goon.  And I still smile now remembering the feeling.  I started to process it on the way home and screamed and cried a couple of times in the car on my way home.  Isaac was supposed to be at the hospital that morning, so when I pulled into our apartment complex and saw his car there, I was even more excited that I'd be able to tell him right away.

Now, my husband is a man of one face.  His expression rarely changes, regardless of the circumstance. I have no idea how that works, because everything I feel shows on my face.  I decided I'd try and play the "one-face" game when I told him to see if I could get a reaction out of him.  The conversation went something like this-

Isaac: "How did your scan go?"

Me: "I don't know."

Isaac: "Well, how do you think it went?" (You normally have to wait a few days to get results)

Me: "I don't know.  I didn't have one."

Isaac: "Why?"

Me: "We're pregnant."

Isaac: "What?"

AND HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION NEVER CHANGED!!!!!!  I tried, ladies and gentlemen.  I tried.  At first he thought I was joking, because I was doing a good job at hiding my own excitement.  Once he finally understood that I wasn't pranking him, he did crack a smile and laugh a bit.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've started doing things that I'm sure other parents-to-be do: talking about the baby, discussing names, figuring out insurance, finances, etc...  We've gotten a little attached to it and were envisioning a future with a child.

I say "were" because this morning I miscarried.

This week has been crazy, stress-wise.  My closest friend in Michigan, Pearl, has packed up and is moving to Texas today.  The cosmetic line that I manage started a gift with purchase on Wednesday (which I worked a 12-hour shift for).  And today we started a department-wide event that will run through today and tomorrow and will draw in hundreds of women and lots of chaos.

When I arrived at work this morning, I started to bleed a little bit.  I only noticed because I'm out of my "good" undergarments and I felt like I was getting an underwear line that was showing.  I went to adjust it, and while using the facilities, saw blood.  Bright red blood.  Pregnant women shouldn't bleed.

I called my husband because he always knows what to do, and after giving me an over-the-phone exam, he came and picked me up.  Off to the ER we went.  During our 3-hour stay there, I bled and bled and bled.  Chunks of blood.  I was given a foley catheter (a pinch uncomfortable getting it in, by the way) and they took me to ultrasound to take images of my uterus and ovaries.  After that, a few blood labs, and a pelvic exam, the doctor told Isaac and I that my pregnancy hormone had dropped significantly, indicating I was most likely no longer carrying.

So we were pregnant.

And now we're not.

I'm exhausted.  There's the unwritten rule that you don't share that you're pregnant until you're past the 12-week mark.  I was too excited, so I told quite a few people... probably half of the ladies I work with, some friends, and my three closest girlfriends.  After we left the hospital I sent out a mass text letting everyone know.

The rest of today has been filled with talking to my husband and my mom, naps, cramps, and getting lots of hugs and kisses from my husband.  He even took a nap with me, even though he wasn't tired--which is a HUGE thing.  I've gotten a ton of supportive texts and a couple of extremely sweet voicemails.

Thank you, to those of you who have given me encouragement.  It's still painful, but less.

We're going to keep "not preventing," but we'll see what happens.  The silver lining is that we know we CAN get pregnant.  Now to see if they'll ever stick...

Do People Announce These Things?

Fact #1.  We want kids.
Fact #2.  I'm a scaredy-cat.
Fact #3.  I'm a control freak.

Which brings me to today's blog... we're no longer preventing pregnancy.  We're not TRYING, (because there's apparently procedures, etc. for that) but we're not making effort to stop it anymore.

Isaac let me know several months ago, he would be thrilled if a little wiggle worm dropped out anytime now.  I, on the other hand, have been much more hesitant.  For several reasons--some of them legitimate, others not so much.

What if I'm a horrible mother?  What if Isaac's residency ends up being in Michigan and I go through a severe round of depression again?  What if I end up feeling alone because he's gone at the hospital all the time?  What if I become suicidal?  What if I don't love them good enough?  What if the chemo did something crazy to my body and I have mentally challenged kids?  Will I have enough patience for that?  Will I even have enough patience for a normal child?  What if my cancer comes back while I'm pregnant?  What if I get really huge--like, monstrously huge?  What if my acne acts up while I'm pregnant and I get pizza face again?

Ugh.

Obviously, some of these aren't as important as others.  Isaac says my mom genes will kick in and it will all be okay, regardless of the circumstances.  And he's probably right.

Through my cancer experience I learned I better handle things when I don't know what to expect.  Whoever first said that ignorance is bliss was my dispositional twin; I can roll with the punches as long as I can't tell where I'll get hit next.

So I'm lowering my guard and leave myself open for a beating that will probably rip me apart physically and exhaust me mentally.

I heard the payoff is definitely worth it.