C'est La Vie.

Work, work, work.  That's what this past week has been.

The funnier part is that the amount of work I did wasn't even really that much.  I used to put in anywhere between a 40-60 hour week without thinking about it, but this week 30 was pushing my limits.

I know I'm going to get a lecture from my "cancer moms" telling me that I shouldn't try to push too hard, too fast.  But believe me, I've already picked up on that.  When I'm tired after working for only 7 or 8 hours, I have no other option than to believe it's a residual effect from the chemo and radiation.  'Cause normally, that'd be no problem.

Some women I've talked to told me it might take up to a year for me to get "back to normal." Whatever that may be.

For now, though, I find myself yawning at 8pm.  Granted, I rarely go to bed that early because there is still a part of me that feels like coping out that early is just wussy.  And I don't like to be a wuss.

The plan for today is to make it out to either Lakeside Mall or The Somerset Collection to hand out my cards and strike up deals with the pretty faces behind the counters so that I can get my name out there.

I was talking with one of the girls that I work with last night and asked if she wanted to go with to hand out cards at Somerset soon and I'm not sure I understood her response.  It seemed she was worried that we would be stepping on someone else's turf or that maybe we were inferior to the resident mall salon.  I was confused.  Actually, I still am.

Either way, I'm not worried about it.  If their work is better than mine, it will show and their clients will stay.  However, if it's not...  well, that's how the game goes.  I won't badmouth another stylist or salon to gain their clientele, but I'm not going to sit back and just hope people appear in my chair, either.  I'm going to get my hustle on and let people know that if they'd like, I'm here: talented, able, and willing. (And in a lot of cases, more budget friendly, too!)

The ubiquitous "they" say that if you gain about 50 clients in a year, probably expect to lose about 10-20% of them in that same year.  Some people just like to jump around, while others die, move, go off to college, etc...  Regardless, your client's lives are not static, so they won't be either.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

Isaac has been studying like a madman, making sure that he's ready for everything that his Cardiology class can throw at him.  He's definitely a little bit stressed, but I suppose a little fire under everyone's behind does some good.

I've been getting little love-notes from him recently, which I adore.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm working a little bit now.  Or maybe it's because I've been conscious for a couple of consecutive months instead of doped up on the chemo drugs.  Whatever the cause is, I'm a fan.

I've been enjoying my time at Nordstrom so far too.  It's a very interesting place.

Dad got home from Africa today!!  I haven't talked to him yet because I think everyone is together hanging out, talking about how the trip was over lunch and stuff, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to chat with him soon.

It's weird, not being home in Iowa for his homecoming.  I can picture in my head what's probably gone on and I can remember what the emotional atmosphere was last time he got home, but it stinks, not being able to be there and share it with them.

I've been having weird dreams, too.  Really weird, and REALLY vivid.  Almost every night.  Even weirder, Jessica and I both dreamt that I was pregnant a couple of nights ago.  Glory, I hope not.  I know, I know, His timing is perfect.  I have complete trust in that; I just would be extremely curious how it would work with our present life situation.

C'est la vie.

Night Drivers

Isaac and I spent the weekend on the road.  Almost literally.  We left Michigan around 8:30pm on Friday night and arrived in Iowa at 5:30 in the morning.  We went to bed and then I got up three hours later to do hair for Kendra and Beau's wedding and finished around 1:00pm.  I dropped three of the bridesmaids off at the church, then went home to do Ike, Mom, and Dad's hair before the wedding at 5:00p.

Immediately after the ceremony, Isaac, Ike, Court, Jess, and myself had to scoot on to the reception hall quickly.  Ike was in charge of setting up the projector and computer for the slideshow and I'd volunteered Isaac and myself to plate and refill the desserts.  The reception was a lot of fun!  I love being able to chat with people and socialize with family that I haven't seen in a while.  I even ventured out to the dance floor for a little bit.  I had a few heart palpitations or something while doing "The Twist," so my husband recommended I sit for a little bit but other than that my health seemed to be holding up!

By the time we hit 10:00 that night, I was just wasted tired so Ike, Court, Isaac, and I left the reception and ended up falling asleep in front of the fireplace at the farm.  Actually, Ike, Court, and I fell asleep in front of the fire and my husband went upstairs and studied for a little bit.

The next morning, we went to church, had lunch at the farm, and then hung out for a couple hours.  Around 3:00, Isaac and I jumped on the road again because we wanted to stop and have time to visit with Lynn and Howard on the way back to Michigan.

At some point while talking to the Hinton's, my job status came up and Isaac shared that I have been talking with Helen Paves, the manager of the salon that I think I want to work at.  It reminded me that I'd been meaning to ask Howard if he had a particular professional camera that he would recommend us investing in at some later date so I can digitally document my work with pictures of high enough quality to display on a website in the future.

You should have seen how excited he was.  His enthusiasm was probably equivalent to if someone had asked my dad about tractors or field work.  He ran downstairs and grabbed a camera and several lenses to let us borrow and then walked me through the basics of operating it.  In the end, I was sent home with two lenses to play with and a 250-page instruction booklet.  Needless to say, I have plenty of reading material.

After chatting with Howard and Lynn for a bit, we hopped back on the road and began the rest of the trip back home.  We talked for about four hours of the trip and then I fell asleep shortly after we switched drivers.  At 4:30 in the morning we finally arrived home.

Twenty hours of road time in a 48-hour period is just a little too much, I think.  But it was SO fun!

Here's a few pics from the wedding on Saturday!

Court and I

Isaac Jordan, practicing his smiles!! :)

Court and Mom

Jess and I.  Forgive her smile... her cheeks were really tired by this time...

Up-the-nose shot of Isaac Dean.

The lovely married folks!

Bad Morning

Blech.

That is how I feel about Wednesdays.  Most people probably don't mind them, but I'm starting to wonder if after this is over every Wednesday will bring about a shudder for the rest of my life.  Or at least a few years.

The average person's Wednesday indicates the middle of the work week has finally arrived.  Mine marks a breakfast of chemicals followed by a three-day chemo-coma with a side of constipation, fatigue, heartburn, and just feeling plain old yucky.  The mind-body association that is developing enables me to almost vomit on command when I think about it.

I prefer to try my best to NOT think about it that often.  Is that mentally healthy?  I have no idea.  Does it make it easier to get through now?  I think so.  Will I regret that decision afterward?  Possibly.

Thinking about the future, I wonder if I'll even remember the summer after I got married.  I know I won't remember the summer part of it.  There's been no poolside basking this year, no driving around with the music blaring and windows down, no late-night movie premiers, the annual Florida trip, sunburns, tan lines, fresh sweet corn, grilled food, sand volleyball, the county fair, the Iowa State Fair, game nights, picnics, Iowa family evening walks, or outdoor Panera nights.  This year, the sun isn't something I feel, it's something I look at through the patio doors.

Moving to Michigan is partially to blame, but chemo takes responsibility for a lot of it.  The combination is emotionally desolating.

I'm having a hard time mourning the loss of what was my home.  I miss Ames.  I miss my Iowa family, my friends, my church family, my job, regular interactions with people I love, a small community with character, the comfort I felt there...

I don't know that I've ever had to mourn before.  I've lost things that I liked, but not anything I loved.  How does this work?  

I don't like to talk about it with Isaac because I have so many different thoughts.  I feel every single one of them all at the same time, but none of them seem to align with each other.  They don't even make sense half the time.

I'm sad because I feel alone and disconnected here, but I love being with him.  I'm angry because I feel like he dragged me here--but I said "yes" to marrying him, knowing I would have to move.  At the same time, I wouldn't change my decision to marry him because I love him and I know he had to drag me out here because of medical school.  I hate his career choice, because at this point, it seems it will dictate our lives.  Go to medical school here because you got accepted.  Do residency here because it's the only place that it's offered.  Live here because you have to pay off your student loans and we'll pay you best.  It seems like it will be ten or fifteen years until we even have options.

I've always heard that doctors are more prone to suicide, depression, substance abuse, and divorce.  Nobody ever suggested to read up on research on the rates for their wives.

I did, however, just stumble across a blog called Lives of Doctor Wives which has been insightful, encouraging, and discouraging at the same time.  Encouraging, because I can read what other women are doing to cope.  Discouraging, because it doesn't sound like it will end anytime soon.  Or ever.

I guess at the end of the day all I can do is hope for the best and work on it.  Whatever that means.