Weddings, Babies, and Obesity.

A lot has been happening lately!  Usually when I don't blog, it's because life is redundant and I feel like I have nothing to talk about--that's not been the case lately!!

Event #1: Jessica got married!  Talk about crazy!  I was responsible for her hair and makeup, as well as decorating the reception venue, so when I was back in Iowa last week, there was quite a bit to accomplish.  The ceremony was beautiful and the bride, GORGEOUS!!!!!!

And we had a surprise the morning of her wedding, which brings me to...

Event #2: WE'RE PREGNANT!!!! :) :)  I've started experiencing "wonderful" symptoms, such as bloating, cramps, nausea, obscene gassiness, and difficulty breathing out of my nose without sounding like I'm an obese person that just walked up a flight of stairs.

Event #3: Courtney got married!  This one was a short notice and quick planning, but everything turned out beautifully and her and Tim are now in their little apartment, getting ready for Baby #2--WHICH IS A GIRL!!!!!!!

Event #4: I got a promotion!!  I'm now a beauty stylist, which means that I'm kind of the concierge of cosmetics.  My job is to find you the best products based on your personal style, skin needs, and budget.  It's awesome!

Oh... and Emily changed my hair color and cut.  I'm "growing it out" for Isaac....

Battleships

I know I haven't written in a while, but there's not been much to write about.  My days are repetitive and blend together into weeks, then months.  However, I feel I can say that I have friends in Michigan now. :)  That much has improved!

I was browsing my Facebook this morning, examining yet ANOTHER new, forced format for my profile when I realized that they post my "Notes" on my wall now.  Interesting.  I couldn't even remember what I'd written in the past.

Then I stumbled on this.  It's a note I wrote to a couple of people I love intensely almost exactly a year ago and it still holds a lot of meaning.  And the dream still plays perfectly in my mind:

I always used to think that people who grew up in a loving home, where the parents did they best they could to teach the love of God to their children, would eventually see the errors of their ways and turn to Christ.  Even if it were only that last moment before death--surely it would happen.

But I had a dream last night.

In my dream we were all together.  We were on a ship, like a cruise ship, except this one was flying.  We were enjoying life, hanging out, when all of the sudden someone came over the PA system and announced that America was in a new stage of terrorism alert.  Stage black.  Newscasters and prominent voices across the world were saying that in this stage, there was a 98% chance of a terroriest attack.

Not too much later, it was announced.  America was under seige.

He and I had been in a seperate room, talking.  This room wasn't crowded, as it was an unfinished room on the ship.  The walls and floors only had insulation on them and the wooden beams were bare.  No drywall or anything had been hung and there were no windows.  As soon as it was announced, he became so scared.  The look on his face... I can't even describe it.  I hurt so bad because I was sure he was thinking about "all the time" he'd always imaged that he would have in his life that could potentially be gone in moments.  People all around us were panicing, running to find family and friends, not wanting to be alone in their fear.  Some of them sat down in corners together, crying, talking.  Swaying as they held each other.

I turned my head for a moment, and in that moment, He hid.  He was terrified, I knew, and in his fear, dug his way under the insulation in the floor in a back room we'd been sitting near.  I felt in that moment he was believed if he could just hide his head... just close his eyes... just pretend... it would go away.  This was a dream.  My heart ached.

My friend.  Scared.  Feeling alone.  Hiding from his fears behind closed eyes.

I went into the room upstairs to see how everyone else was doing.

They were sitting by a window, watching the skies.  She looked nervous and scared, but the average person on the street wouldn't be able to tell.  Even now, the invisible audience was a priority.  But her eyes told all.  I sat down by her and we looked out the window together.  Just watching.  Hovering, trying to see if it was true.  Wondering if we would be a part of this war.

And then we saw them.

The enemy, flying through the air, big as battleships.  They were painted red and blue and were speweing fire every time they released a missle.  My arms went around her as we both watched as one was released toward us and she started to scream and cry, "This isn't fair!  I'm too young!  I am supposed to have more life to live!"

We blinked as it hit the ship somewhere beneath us and the power went out.  The second after, we were together, but alone in the darkness.

I jumped up and ran downstairs to get him, not wanting him to be alone during this, only to find his fear had taken over and he'd passed out.  I dragged him out of his insulated cocoon and threw him on my back.  Pushing my way through the clamor, I stumbled up the stairs in the darkness and made my way back to the rest of them.

Just as I saw them... Just as I got close enough to call out their names...  

I felt like I'd been hit by a wall of air.

My vision went white and I felt as high as I'd ever been.

It was over.

I woke up shaking.  Terrified.  I've never had a dream where I could so vividly taste the fear.  All around me were people.  And each of them knew that at any moment, all their dreams, plans, and any type of future they might have had could be gone.  What broke my heart the most, though, was that in those last moments.  Those moments right before death.  The moments that I've always been "sure" would affect those two...

They didn't.

And I have no idea where they went.

"Encouragement"

Truth be told, I think I've gotten lazy.  Either that, or there is no definitive end to when my body will be "recovered" from chemotherapy.  Some days I think it's a mix of both.

Regardless, I'd like to try and push myself out of this rut that I'm in.

There are a lot of days where all I want to do is the bare minimum--which is NOT my style.  I'm usually at the front of the pack, trying to accomplish far more than has been asked of me.  I've been an over-achiever since birth.  And yet I find myself extremely un-motivated to do anything.  To get involved with anything (or anyone).  To go to work.  To hit the gym.  To clean.  To do laundry.  To cook.  To do anything at all.  I feel like I'm living on repeat from day to day.

I was talking with Lindsey the other day and we were discussing how we both really want to put more effort into getting back into shape.  So we're trying to figure out how to motivate each other--even with over 700 miles in between us.  We exchanged lists of what resources we have access to, and then based on the list, we created challenges for each other.

Her challenge to me was this:

1. Work out at least 3 days a week.
2. 45 minutes of cardio
3. 2 sets of: jumping jacks, full-body planks, mountain climbers, squats, crunches, and flys.

Easy, right?

Not so much.  I'd be dying from the cardio session if it weren't for the fact that I just finally got the a-okay from my ENT to swim.  For months, I've been waiting for my ear tube (from my previous ear problem) to fall out, and it's finally gone!  I can't walk uphill for 45 minutes without heaving like a sick horse, but I can swim like a fish for a long time, no problem.

Oddly enough, the loudest voice in my head encouraging me to finish these challenges successfully isn't my own.   It's Travis Pierce.  

Travis is a friend of mine from back home.  We both attended Surefire Boot Camp for several months, and when we attended class at the same time, he was usually the person that I would try to beat out.  Sometimes I did, and sometimes he cheated.... and occasionally, he would beat me honestly.  No matter where we were in the workout though, I could count on Travis to trash talk encourage me.

Now, whenever I need motivation at the gym, even though I'm hundreds of miles away, one of the first things that comes to mind is Travis, saying, "C'MON BREKKE!!  IS THAT ALL YOU GOT??"  So I push harder and fight longer.  The memory of him taunting encouraging me helps me keep going.

And although it will be quite some time before Travis and I can go head to head again at Surefire, when that day comes, I need to be ready.

Because I don't like to be the cheater.

So bring it on Travis.

See you "soon."

A Day of Surprises

Tomorrow should be a pretty interesting day!  The early morning hours will bring my PET scan, which will put an end to my no-carb, no-sugar diet (required for 24-hours pre-scan).  That will make me a much more agreeable person.

Then at 4:30, Isaac and I have our first ever marriage counseling session.  Who knows what that will bring?

And to top it off, we'll be going over to some friend's for a night of pizza, games, and probably S'mores.

On a different note, I've been spending some time lately brainstorming with Isaac about how to promote myself at the salon more.  So far, we've decided that I should get some flyers out, try to see if I can be included in the "new student" packet at the nearby colleges, and keep handing my card out.

If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.  Literally.  Please.  I would REALLY like to.

Have a beautiful night!

C'est La Vie.

Work, work, work.  That's what this past week has been.

The funnier part is that the amount of work I did wasn't even really that much.  I used to put in anywhere between a 40-60 hour week without thinking about it, but this week 30 was pushing my limits.

I know I'm going to get a lecture from my "cancer moms" telling me that I shouldn't try to push too hard, too fast.  But believe me, I've already picked up on that.  When I'm tired after working for only 7 or 8 hours, I have no other option than to believe it's a residual effect from the chemo and radiation.  'Cause normally, that'd be no problem.

Some women I've talked to told me it might take up to a year for me to get "back to normal." Whatever that may be.

For now, though, I find myself yawning at 8pm.  Granted, I rarely go to bed that early because there is still a part of me that feels like coping out that early is just wussy.  And I don't like to be a wuss.

The plan for today is to make it out to either Lakeside Mall or The Somerset Collection to hand out my cards and strike up deals with the pretty faces behind the counters so that I can get my name out there.

I was talking with one of the girls that I work with last night and asked if she wanted to go with to hand out cards at Somerset soon and I'm not sure I understood her response.  It seemed she was worried that we would be stepping on someone else's turf or that maybe we were inferior to the resident mall salon.  I was confused.  Actually, I still am.

Either way, I'm not worried about it.  If their work is better than mine, it will show and their clients will stay.  However, if it's not...  well, that's how the game goes.  I won't badmouth another stylist or salon to gain their clientele, but I'm not going to sit back and just hope people appear in my chair, either.  I'm going to get my hustle on and let people know that if they'd like, I'm here: talented, able, and willing. (And in a lot of cases, more budget friendly, too!)

The ubiquitous "they" say that if you gain about 50 clients in a year, probably expect to lose about 10-20% of them in that same year.  Some people just like to jump around, while others die, move, go off to college, etc...  Regardless, your client's lives are not static, so they won't be either.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

Isaac has been studying like a madman, making sure that he's ready for everything that his Cardiology class can throw at him.  He's definitely a little bit stressed, but I suppose a little fire under everyone's behind does some good.

I've been getting little love-notes from him recently, which I adore.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm working a little bit now.  Or maybe it's because I've been conscious for a couple of consecutive months instead of doped up on the chemo drugs.  Whatever the cause is, I'm a fan.

I've been enjoying my time at Nordstrom so far too.  It's a very interesting place.

Dad got home from Africa today!!  I haven't talked to him yet because I think everyone is together hanging out, talking about how the trip was over lunch and stuff, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to chat with him soon.

It's weird, not being home in Iowa for his homecoming.  I can picture in my head what's probably gone on and I can remember what the emotional atmosphere was last time he got home, but it stinks, not being able to be there and share it with them.

I've been having weird dreams, too.  Really weird, and REALLY vivid.  Almost every night.  Even weirder, Jessica and I both dreamt that I was pregnant a couple of nights ago.  Glory, I hope not.  I know, I know, His timing is perfect.  I have complete trust in that; I just would be extremely curious how it would work with our present life situation.

C'est la vie.

No, I Don't Have Multiple Personality Disorder.

Recently, some of you may have gotten an invite from me to become my friend on Facebook.  "Wait," you might have thought, "I was pretty sure we already ARE friends.  What's going on?"

Don't worry.  You're not losing your marbles.  We probably are.  However, I've taken on another project. Those of you who know me well are probably already smiling because you know when I taken on a project, I take it on.

This one is called: Project Bring In Clients To Pay Off Student Loans.

In order to complete this project, I decided to build a digital presence, which will include my Facebook Business Page, a Twitter, and a Blog (under construction).  Alas, once I started on my project, I learned that Facebook requires Business Pages to be linked to a profile.  In keeping with the rule of thumb to separate business and personal, I decided to create another Ashley Hinton to which my page can be linked, without disclosing my entire "private" life to current and potential clients.  

The whole thing is a little bit weird, because as those of you who have been my clients know, I don't really separate the two in real life.  My friends are my clients, my clients are my friends.  And I love my friend and I love my clients.  However, it was recommended to me to go about it this way by a MUCH wiser person than myself, and so I am following through on her instruction.

We shall see how this goes.

In other news, things have been relatively peaceful around our apartment.

Isaac keeps eating my chocolates and then making fun of me when I happen to take the last one in the bag, saying "man, you sure downed those fast!"  Turd.  He also did something super sweet last Sunday.

I was invited to go with Ken Paves Salon, Clinton Township to a Bridal Show at Fern Hill Golf & Country Club.  We made up and styled eight models for the fashion show and then handed out information and cards afterward.

The night before the show, I had run around the house gathering whatever I might possibly need for the show and putting it in a pile beside the door.  My plan was to wake up early and then finish packing.  When I got up in the morning though, Isaac had already packed it all up (very nicely, I might add) in a rolling suitcase and placed little love notes on it (see below).  In addition, he went to WalMart and bought me a little lock for it so that nobody could steal my makeup kit.

My sweet husband is smart, but doesn't have the best grammar... and it was pretty late!

What a gem.  A handsome gem at that!!  

The next morning when I woke up, I had just opened my mouth to ask him if he could get me the rolling suitcase from the closet when I walked around the corner into his surprise.  I was so happy!!  I mean really, can a girl get it any better?

On top of all that, he made me breakfast that I barely had time to eat.  Bless his big ol' heart!

I've just been slaving away on gaining a digital presence.  The goal is to gain a presence which will hopefully translate to ranking higher on Google, which will hopefully bring in more clients, who will hopefully enjoy paying me for my services so that I can pay off student loans.

That's a lot of hopefully's.

In case it doesn't happen that way, or in case it takes longer than the Department of Education would care for, I've also been applying for jobs since we got back from Christmas.  I had an interview with Nordstrom this morning and I'm hoping that they liked me.  I should know by the end of the weekend.

Aside from that, we're just keeping on, keeping on!

Well, I'll Be Darned!

Today I'm deciding to share with you the awesome things that have happened in our lives in the past few days since getting back to Michigan.

First off, Isaac and I have been going to the gym EVERY day!  For those of you who are behind in our lives (probably because I miserably failed to blog regularly for the last couple of months), I am in a weight loss competition with Howard.  And Isaac wants to have a 6-pack.  Or rather, maybe he just wants to diminish the size of his love handles.  I want to get rid of mine entirely.  Regardless, we've been diligent about getting our exercise in.  Every.  Day.  On occasion, twice a day.  But that's when we're feeling super motivated.

Secondly, I had an extremely cool experience the other day.  I was browsing a friend of mine's Facebook, reading about homemade baby wipes, when I stumbled upon a name that sounded relatively familiar.  Being the creeper that I am, I jumped into her profile to see if I could figure out why I felt I should know her.  Turns out, there is absolutely no reason at all, other than the fact that God wanted me to see that she lives close to me.  And that she is a fellow Iowan.  And that maybe we will be friends.  Also, a friend from home has also recently moved out here, and although she isn't as close (she's about an hour and half away) I have every intention of traveling out to see her at least a few times.  AND (yes, it gets even better) while Isaac and I were pounding out our fat cells at the gym the other day, we met a former Iowa Stater who is doing her residency at Mount Clemens.  How cool is that?  Let me answer for you: pretty cool.

I have also been spending a significant amount of time job searching since we got back.  I was doing it a little bit before we left, but really not so much since everyone wanted you to be present for the holidays and work an unlimited amount of hours.  Since we went home for almost a month, I feel that I can now fill out applications and honestly say that yes, I am "available" for the holidays.  At least, until Thanksgiving, when I will be returning home again for as long as I can.  And I will repeat that pattern at Christmastime.

Til next time!
Ash

Home For The Holidays

It's been a little while.  Sorry about that.  I'm guessing that a lot of you, like Isaac and I, are busy with Christmas being tomorrow.

This past week and a half we did Christmas with my dad's extended family in Nebraska and then when we got back, Isaac and I headed to Iowa City for Christmas with the Hintons.  Howard (Isaac's dad) and I are in a weight loss competition, so I was glad to hear that Lynn (Isaac's mom) made him a couple batches of fudge.  Unfortunately, it looked so good that I wanted to try it, and I ended up loving it so much I'm sure I ate more than Howard.  I guess that effort to trip him up backfired.

The last two full days we've been in the van with my Iowa family--and my brother.  Glory sakes, heaven spare me.  I've wanted to kill him less this year than in the past few years, but he can still get on my nerves faster than any other human being I know.  I don't even know how his brain works to think up some of the things he does.  I guess we're just wired differently.  VERY differently.

We stopped in Tennessee last night and visited with some family that we don't get to see very often.  It was fun to get to hang out with them!  The boys (Isaac and Ike) are on a weightlifting kick right now so they were super excited to learn there was an in-home gym.  They spend at least an hour seeing how much weight they could bench, among other things.

Courtney and I lifted a little bit too, but not for long.

While we were there, Isaac and I slept on an air mattress upstairs.  Nobody realized it had a small leak in it and so midway through the night I went to roll over and just about fell off because so much air had escaped.  I felt like I was sleeping on a waterbed without any outer boundaries.  Mom came up to wake me up in the morning and said that both Isaac and I were sleeping with our backs/butts on the ground and our legs were up in the air.  And apparently when I got out of the bed Isaac sunk to the ground and the bed kind of caved in around him.  Poor guy.

Today we were in the van for another eleven hours and thankfully nobody killed Ike.  Sometimes he makes it his personal mission to see how many people he can get riled up before we gang up and beat him (not literally).  He's pretty good at getting to the edge of everyone's patience.

We arrived in Orlando at 1:00am and the plan is to make our way down to Miami tomorrow.  Then we get on the cruise ship and will be floating in the ocean for the next five days.  Ahhhh...  Hopefully it will be relaxing.  I'm looking forward to it because not only is it a vacation, it will kind of be like a honeymoon for Isaac and I since.

The plan had been to go on one in August this year when he had a break in his school schedule; however, the appearance of the cancer prevented us from going anywhere and doing anything, so this is kind of like our fake honeymoon--but we'll have guests!

Ladies' Night

Last night Kim and I got all dressed up to go out to J. Barbaro's ladies' night.  Not red carpet dressed because it's too cold, but nicely dressed--which included heels.  We assumed it'd probably be a good idea to arrive fashionably late, since that's what people on television do, and headed out toward the mall around 6:30pm.

In my head I had visions of lots of fancy, classy ladies wearing designer clothes sipping mimosas and cosmepolitans while browsing the latest men's fashions for their husbands.  I thought it'd be one of those events where I'd have to keep my eyebrows raised the whole time in order to appear like, yes, I'd had plastic surgery too and I would need to be careful not to smile too big because according to Tyra, it makes your eyes squinty and emphasizes wrinkle lines in your face and that's not considered very attractive.

Before heading to ladies' night though, we headed over to Nordstrom to visit Karla, Kim's mom.  Karla is one of those tiny, very fashionable mothers, who, while not a "housewife" herself, probably has a lot of insight on how to deal with those who are.  (And when I say "housewife," I'm referring to women who possess similar traits to Danielle Staub.... just a little bit crazy...)  She helped me get mentally prepared and even more important, helped me realize that my pocked on my blazer was sewn shut and could very easily be opened for use (aka, holding my business cards).

Kim and I then proceeded to head to the party.  We arrived at the storefront and for a moment, wondered if we'd arrived on the wrong night.  There was literally nobody in the store, aside from the workers.  Well, I guess that's a little bit of a lie... there was a couple that was leaving as we walked by the door.  And yes, I did say, BY the door.  We were so thrown off that we didn't even stop in.  Clearly we were mistaken about this event.

After talking for a minute, trying to figure out what in the world was going on, we decided to go eat pizza instead.  However, getting to the restaurant required walking by the store again and so as we made our way to devour a delicious plate of carbs and cheese, Kim asked if I was going to go in.  It felt kind of like a dare, so I did.  In a spur-of-the-moment decision, I decided that instead of networking with the absent fancy ladies, I would network with the store owner instead.  Unfortunately, he was in a meeting, so the sales associate recommended we come back in about a half hour.

To the pizza shop we went.

By this time, our feet were on FIRE, as neither one of us regularly (or even irregularly) wear heels and so the booth in California Pizza Kitchen was greatly appreciated.  I had a 5-cheese and tomato pizza and Kim had BBQ chicken.  They were both extremely delicious.  I probably appreciated it even more than normal too, since I hadn't been allowed to eat carbs or sugar yesterday for my PET/CT scan.

We stopped back at J. Barbaro and very awkwardly were introduced to the owner.  I say awkwardly because when we first walked into the store, we said hello to a man on our way toward the sales associate, thinking he was a customer since he wasn't really dressed too snazzy.  Then, when the associate went to introduce us to the owner, we went back to that same man, interrupted his phone call with his child, and said hello.  Embarrassing.  To make matters more confusing, there was another man in the store who looked a lot like Santa Clause dressed in a very nice suit and if I had walked in there blindly, I would have mistaken HIM for the owner.  I felt like I had no idea what was going on.

Karla hadn't taken her break at work yet so we made our way back to Nordstrom to report on the night and visit with her for a bit and then picked up a movie at Redbox to finish off the night.

Lesson of the night: go big or go home.

And since they hadn't gone big, we went home.

Night Drivers

Isaac and I spent the weekend on the road.  Almost literally.  We left Michigan around 8:30pm on Friday night and arrived in Iowa at 5:30 in the morning.  We went to bed and then I got up three hours later to do hair for Kendra and Beau's wedding and finished around 1:00pm.  I dropped three of the bridesmaids off at the church, then went home to do Ike, Mom, and Dad's hair before the wedding at 5:00p.

Immediately after the ceremony, Isaac, Ike, Court, Jess, and myself had to scoot on to the reception hall quickly.  Ike was in charge of setting up the projector and computer for the slideshow and I'd volunteered Isaac and myself to plate and refill the desserts.  The reception was a lot of fun!  I love being able to chat with people and socialize with family that I haven't seen in a while.  I even ventured out to the dance floor for a little bit.  I had a few heart palpitations or something while doing "The Twist," so my husband recommended I sit for a little bit but other than that my health seemed to be holding up!

By the time we hit 10:00 that night, I was just wasted tired so Ike, Court, Isaac, and I left the reception and ended up falling asleep in front of the fireplace at the farm.  Actually, Ike, Court, and I fell asleep in front of the fire and my husband went upstairs and studied for a little bit.

The next morning, we went to church, had lunch at the farm, and then hung out for a couple hours.  Around 3:00, Isaac and I jumped on the road again because we wanted to stop and have time to visit with Lynn and Howard on the way back to Michigan.

At some point while talking to the Hinton's, my job status came up and Isaac shared that I have been talking with Helen Paves, the manager of the salon that I think I want to work at.  It reminded me that I'd been meaning to ask Howard if he had a particular professional camera that he would recommend us investing in at some later date so I can digitally document my work with pictures of high enough quality to display on a website in the future.

You should have seen how excited he was.  His enthusiasm was probably equivalent to if someone had asked my dad about tractors or field work.  He ran downstairs and grabbed a camera and several lenses to let us borrow and then walked me through the basics of operating it.  In the end, I was sent home with two lenses to play with and a 250-page instruction booklet.  Needless to say, I have plenty of reading material.

After chatting with Howard and Lynn for a bit, we hopped back on the road and began the rest of the trip back home.  We talked for about four hours of the trip and then I fell asleep shortly after we switched drivers.  At 4:30 in the morning we finally arrived home.

Twenty hours of road time in a 48-hour period is just a little too much, I think.  But it was SO fun!

Here's a few pics from the wedding on Saturday!

Court and I

Isaac Jordan, practicing his smiles!! :)

Court and Mom

Jess and I.  Forgive her smile... her cheeks were really tired by this time...

Up-the-nose shot of Isaac Dean.

The lovely married folks!

My Roses Are Dying

I have to apologize before I even get into this one.  It's probably going to be a little bit of a downer.  I just don't feel good.

I have a snotty nose, my ears feel hot (like I'm probably getting sick), I've been sneezing all day long, my left nostril has been slowly leaking blood since about a month after I started chemo, I got poked with a needle SEVEN times today in order to get my blood drawn for my MUGA scan, and my husband hasn't said a word to me since I got home.

I have no idea as to why I might be getting sick--especially since I'm still essentially on lockdown in the apartment.  Okay.  So it's not really lockdown, but I don't go anywhere because I don't know people.

Timeout.  That's a lie.  I know Kim.  And hopefully I'll get to know her better.  However, I'm unfortunately one of those people who takes about three to five years to cement a solid friendship and until it hits about that time, I feel like I'm imposing.  And I hate doing that.  I know people have their own stuff going on.

And my left nostril.... I waxed my nose hairs not too long after starting chemo and ever since then every time I blow my nose there is blood in my mucus.  I know, I know.  It's my fault.  I feel like it should probably be healed by now, though.  I mean, really, it's been four months!

Whatever.

I'm not sure what the heck was going on with the people who were drawing my blood today.  The girl who tried it the first three times in the crook of my right arm said that, "she doesn't usually have a problem with sticking people."

I'm not convinced.

Lee, the tech who tried after the girl, poked me another four times.  Twice in the same spot as the girl had tried, once in the crook of my left arm, and then he finally got it in my rookie vein on my left arm.  Of the seven times that I got stabbed, they "fished" for my vein four times.  Ouch, ouch, ouch.  It hurts to even bring my right arm up all the way, not to mention that the bruises from my battle are probably going to make me look like I've been shooting up crack or something come tomorrow.

As for my husband, I threw out his brown pit-stained white undershirts earlier today and replaced them with some new ones that I bought him over a month ago.  He's upset because apparently he wore them to work out in.  He asked me why I tossed them and I told him that personally, I think that pit stains on white shirts are very un-sexy and I find him more attractive in stain-free tees.  We got into a semi-heated text message conversation after that and I apologized.

I'm not even sure why.  Probably because I don't like it when he's unhappy with me.

I find myself getting irritated, both with Isaac and with myself, because I feel like whenever we get into an argument, I'm the one who ends up apologizing.  And he's perfectly fine with doing what he's doing today--not talking to me--until I initiate.

Marriage is a LOT harder than I thought it would be.  I found that I was pep-talking myself a lot today.

Love him like God, Ashley.  Love him like God.

Oh it just kills me sometimes, though!  That moment when I feel so hurt by him is usually when I start thinking crazy things.  I debate just walking out and driving back to Ames because at least I feel wanted there.  Or filing for divorce.  It's easy to understand why the rates for it are so high.  But then I remember I don't believe in divorce.  And that's where the semi started entering the picture.

Today I was reading Jessica's blog though.  It was one that she wrote a while ago.  One where I kind of had to smack her in the head about how she was acting, and if I remember correctly, the phrase that I used with her was "Put on your big girl panties and do it anyway."

Re-reading it felt like a two-by-four to the head tonight.

Because if I sit down and think about it, when I was being a pickle, God didn't just quit loving me.  He didn't say, "Well, Ashley, you're being kind of an asshole right now, so I'm going to check out."  Nope.  Sometimes I kind of (but not really) wish He had, so then I wouldn't feel so bad if I did it to someone.

Dear God, help me to love unconditionally.

Fun-Filled Friday

Yesterday was probably the most exciting day I've had this week so far.  I spent the entire morning calling around to get deferment on my student loans, filling out hours worth of on line information to apply for disability, and trying to gather up the appropriate paperwork to apply for financial assistance from the hospitals that I've visited recently.

It's probably not the average person's idea of "fun," but for someone who went from being busy eighteen hours of the day to a professional couch bum, having anything to do falls into the "exciting" category.

Isaac and I also went to the beach yesterday with some of his med school friends, which actually contributed more to the fun factor than the paperwork.  This was the first time I'd met most of them and I was a little nervous.  I haven't had to make friends for several years now, and I'm really not even sure how that whole thing works anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I've made friends over the years just by being involved at Cornerstone, Bootcamp, Salon 101, and other things I was deeply rooted in... But how do you go about making friends when you don't actually DO anything?

I have no idea.

I'm not about to be the creepy person on Facebook or Skype who goes around adding people they don't know.  That's just weird.  

Anyway, they were all pretty sweet.  I got asked to join in on a game of soccer, which ended up proving to me that although I'd like to believe the chemo doesn't have any effect on my body, it really does.

The "field" was somewhere between a quarter and a third of the length of a true soccer field and the game wasn't really all that competitive.  Nevertheless, I was huffing and puffing like a 400-pound life-long smoker after maybe thirty minutes.  Sad day.  I honestly didn't even move that much.

We watched The Green Hornet last night, too.  It was horrible!  I was impressed that it wasn't littered with half-naked women, but the overabundance of swearing completely filled the "crap-o-meter" anyway.  Not to mention the complete absence of a well-developed plot.

Unfortunately, I thought The Green Lantern fell into the same category as well.  It might have actually been worse.  Sure, The Green Hornet was lacking quite a bit, but at least the action scenes were somewhat redeeming and the acting was so-so.  One of its biggest problems was that they tried to turn it into a comedy and miserably failed.

The Green Lantern, however, had a complete disaster of a storyline for someone who hadn't read the comic books, and the only person who should have gotten a paycheck for their acting was the guy who played Hector.  I'd definitely vote it an all-time-low for Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively.

I wouldn't recommend either.

The night ended with me going to bed "early" (around midnight) and Isaac staying up to watch some of his lectures online.  I dreamt of soccer and woke up this morning to sore legs--my cue to go to the gym later and work them out.  

Hopefully I'll get invited to play again sometime.  Maybe next time I'll drag an oxygen tank with me.  Who knows?  I might last longer that way...