The Benefit

Many of you are probably wondering what happened with the benefit.

It's taken me a while to process the entire thing for a few reasons.  First off, because I feel much more comfortable giving than receiving.  Secondly, because of the amount of excess that we were blessed with.

Let me explain: Going into this benefit, I was hoping, PRAYING, that we would hit $3000 total.  That'd be enough to cover our bills and my car insurance up to the point where (I feel) I should be able to get a job.  You see, even though I keep being shown that the cards aren't really in my hands, I still had this plan.

I was still going to get through chemo before the end of the year.  I was still going to get a job somewhere (hopefully at Sephora or Ken Paves) by February.  And I was still going to be able to pitch in and cover the part of the bills that I was "responsible for" coming into the marriage.

So $3000 should be just perfect.

Except that God decided it wasn't.

I'm an extremely independent person and throughout this experience, I done my best to try and accept what was going on.  I didn't fight, argue, blame, or even rebel.  I've simply been content, rolled with the punches, and had a few emotional breakdowns.

But I hadn't been HUMBLE.

I had to dictionary.com it to find out exactly what that means.  Growing up in church, you hear it all the time and like many "church words," eventually the sparkle wears off and it just becomes something you say at seemingly appropriate times.  However, dictionary.com had something for me.  Here's what I read: "to destroy the independence, power, or will of."

Alright.  So.  Apparently, not only had the sparkle worn off, but my mind had twisted the word completely.  I had started to equate humbleness with contentment.  NOT the same.  I wasn't giving up my independence, power, and especially not my will!  I guess I kind of felt like bending them in whatever direction God appeared to be bending them would be adequate enough.  Not so.

In order to work on actually BREAKING my independence, God gave us more than I thought we needed--a little more than THREE times what I thought we needed.  Now what?

I went through a few stages.

First was embarrassment and guilt.  I felt the need to call everyone who donated anything and ask them if they for sure meant to donate as much as they did.  I mean, we could get along with just the $3000 and if they wanted some of it back--alrighty!

Then I did some more thinking and realized how backwards that was.  Who honestly gets blessed with a gift and tries to return it to the giver?  Someone who is stuck up and too proud to accept the help they will likely need.  Me.

More thoughts kept coming and I realized that many of the people who gave to us, didn't give out of obligation.  They gave because they wanted to.  They were excited to use what God had given them to bless someone else.  Similar to how I get excited when I can bless someone financially.  I'm just so happy and fuzzy that I can do something to help!  If the person needing help slapped it back at me and said, "I'm fine, don't worry about it," I'd be confused and probably hurt, not understanding why they would reject something given to them at no cost--no strings attached even!

One of my later thoughts was that although I have "my plan" it doesn't necessarily mean that it aligns with God's plan.  Who knows?  Maybe there are some medical emergencies in the future that we will need the extra for.  Or possibly we are meant to bless someone else with what's been given to us.  There are a million and one possibilities and just because my little brain doesn't have the capacity to comprehend them all doesn't mean they don't exist.

So I want to thank you all.  Thank you for loving us, for investing in us, for financially supporting us in a time where we really don't know what to expect.  God has plans for what happened, and although I don't know what they are, I hope that we are good enough stewards to recognize and jump on the opportunities He places before us.