Coming Home

I'm back!

Back in Michigan, that is.  Yesterday Mom and I spent all day on the road making our way back to my new home.  I was excited to see my husband, but anxious because I knew I was coming back for treatment.  Thinking about it tied my stomach up in knots...  Hardee's curly fries helped the feeling go away.

Anyway, We made a couple pit stops along the way and got to see LisaGrace Alsbury at her new job working for Veritas Church in Iowa City!  I'm proud to say that I was officially the first person to ask on a serious note when they were going to start popping little ones out.  Bring on the bombardment, friends!

We were given a free Adoleo CD that I immediately stripped of it's shrink-wrap and put in the van CD player.  It is a CD entirely created by worshippers at Vertias Church.  Lydia had been given the opportunity to play violin with them and put a bug in my ear that she was sure I would like it.  She was correct.  It's really solid, fresh, sing-along, uplifting, attention-holding worship music.  I personally loved the songs titled "Delievered" and "This Hope."  The lead vocalist's voice was like a vise on my ear and it was really hard for me to quit listening.  Listening to her was like watching a bird fly for the first time.  Beautiful!  And the use of a "choir," if you must call it that, was incredible.  It added so much depth to the songs!  I wish more worship music was like this.  So it's not easy for everyone to sing with... does that really have to be a prerequisite?   A God who extends his love to us in all our sinfulness surely won't cut it off just because a bunch of us are singing off-beat and off-key.  My spirit was lifted by it, and THAT, friends, is what I think worship music is supposed to do.

Here's the music video from "This Hope."  And I just found out that the lead singer is BRIANNA GOODMAN!!!  Kudos Bre!  She's a young women who used to attend Cornerstone here in Ames, but then started college at University of Iowa and was one of the young people who felt called by God to start a new church in Iowa City.  I am SO proud of her!  Bre, you have been incredibly gifted!

This past week and a half brought me a lot of encouragement, filled my love-meter, and many conversations that were had inspired a lot of thinking to be done in my head.  I couldn't have asked for a better time!

I also bleached my hair blonde.... who says cancer patient's can't look fierce?  I may be losing my hair, but I am absolutely going to work my magic on myself so I feel as normal as possible.  Here's a couple shots of the new look.  Mom took them while we were at chemo (apparently I feel asleep) and afterward outside while we were waiting for my husband to pick us up.

I'd love to continue on, however, my stomach is terribly knotted and uncomfortable from chemo this morning. I'm going to go lay down for a bit, but I'll be on here soon to write about all the things that have been going on in my head and heart.  I'm so excited to share them with you!!

Still Alive

I was told that even if I don't have time to write a lot, people appreciate if I just write to say that I'm alive.  So here it is, folks:

I'm alive and doing quite well.

I probably won't be writing much this week since I'm in Ames and hanging out with my hubby, family, and friends.  I've been blessed beyond what I ever expected in a few ways in the past month and I'm excited to share them with you, but for the time being, I'm absorbing every moment and conversation while "home."

Just for entertainment, I also thought I would share that Courtney and I are going to make homemade noodles and alfredo sauce tomorrow night.  It should be an adventure!  I'll try to remember to take pictures and post them with my next post.

Sleepy Sleepy

I have to take my anti-nausea drug every four hours.  A natural side effect of it is that it makes me sleepy.  On top of that, only getting four hours at a time makes me VERY sleepy.

Isaac woke me up this morning because I had to go in to get my Neulasta shot.  I kid you not, I walked to the car, into the office, up a flight of stairs, and all the way back out to the car with my eyes closed or almost closed.  They're just SO HEAVY!  I really don't even have that much control over it.  I'm sitting here now, eating a sandwich from my lovely husband, and drinking water, and typing on the blog all with my eyes closed.  It's amazing how in tune your body can be even when one of your senses is shut off.  Like your eyeballs.

I get to go back to sleep for an uninterrupted four hours in about an hour.  Til then, I am going to try and stay awake as possible.....  or maybe after enough yawning, I'll decide to go to sleep before then anyway.

Yeah... I think I'm going to sleep anyway.  See you on Friday or Saturday when I'm out of my chemo-coma.

Cooking

This week I've gotten to cook a lot.  We're on food stamps for the time being and so when I was added to the account, Isaac gave me a dollar number with which I can experiment with cool recipes I find.  This month I decided to make Chicken and Seafood Paella, Blueberry Crumble with Cornmeal Almond Topping, and Fettuccine Chicken with Mixed-Berry Port Glaze.

I had a blast!  Cooking is something that I love to do that thankfully, cancer doesn't inhibit me from doing it!  Here are some pictures from my adventures.

Chicken and Seafood Paella:

Paella in the pan.  Isaac and I liked it, but we both voted that next time I should cook about half of the amount and use more chicken thighs and less seafood.

The plated paella served with fresh tomatoes and scallions on top.  We learned that a side of sour cream is pretty good as well and helps to mellow out the intense seafood flavors.

This is the little thing of saffron that was used in the stock.  You can't tell, but it's about the size of a half-dime--and it cost $11!  Thanks Aunt Bev!

Blueberry Crumble with Cornmeal Almond Topping:

I LOVE these dishes!  Thanks Ami Duvick!!  They are beautiful!!

Fettuccine Chicken with Mixed-Berry Port Glaze:

Isaac decided to play photographer this time.  Like my sweet apron?  Thanks Angie! :)  I was reading the recipe trying to figure out what I was going to change about it.  Originally it called for rabbit, which was too expensive, so I decided chicken would work just fine instead.  I'm still curious to see what rabbit tastes like though.  Someday.

Checking the demi-glace.  I had to Google it to see what exactly it was and how thick it was supposed to be.  The internet is awfully convenient when you don't know what you're doing!

The finished product!  Fettuccini chicken.  It was actually really good and Isaac and I both liked it quite a bit.  The meat was SO tender and juicy and it was kind of nice to have a sauce that wasn't cream based with the fettuccini.  Next time I make it, I hope to make the noodles myself.  Kim Brumm and I used to do it as an all-day project when we were younger, so I have experience with it and I love their taste and the fact that you can season them according to what you want!

Bad Morning

Blech.

That is how I feel about Wednesdays.  Most people probably don't mind them, but I'm starting to wonder if after this is over every Wednesday will bring about a shudder for the rest of my life.  Or at least a few years.

The average person's Wednesday indicates the middle of the work week has finally arrived.  Mine marks a breakfast of chemicals followed by a three-day chemo-coma with a side of constipation, fatigue, heartburn, and just feeling plain old yucky.  The mind-body association that is developing enables me to almost vomit on command when I think about it.

I prefer to try my best to NOT think about it that often.  Is that mentally healthy?  I have no idea.  Does it make it easier to get through now?  I think so.  Will I regret that decision afterward?  Possibly.

Thinking about the future, I wonder if I'll even remember the summer after I got married.  I know I won't remember the summer part of it.  There's been no poolside basking this year, no driving around with the music blaring and windows down, no late-night movie premiers, the annual Florida trip, sunburns, tan lines, fresh sweet corn, grilled food, sand volleyball, the county fair, the Iowa State Fair, game nights, picnics, Iowa family evening walks, or outdoor Panera nights.  This year, the sun isn't something I feel, it's something I look at through the patio doors.

Moving to Michigan is partially to blame, but chemo takes responsibility for a lot of it.  The combination is emotionally desolating.

I'm having a hard time mourning the loss of what was my home.  I miss Ames.  I miss my Iowa family, my friends, my church family, my job, regular interactions with people I love, a small community with character, the comfort I felt there...

I don't know that I've ever had to mourn before.  I've lost things that I liked, but not anything I loved.  How does this work?  

I don't like to talk about it with Isaac because I have so many different thoughts.  I feel every single one of them all at the same time, but none of them seem to align with each other.  They don't even make sense half the time.

I'm sad because I feel alone and disconnected here, but I love being with him.  I'm angry because I feel like he dragged me here--but I said "yes" to marrying him, knowing I would have to move.  At the same time, I wouldn't change my decision to marry him because I love him and I know he had to drag me out here because of medical school.  I hate his career choice, because at this point, it seems it will dictate our lives.  Go to medical school here because you got accepted.  Do residency here because it's the only place that it's offered.  Live here because you have to pay off your student loans and we'll pay you best.  It seems like it will be ten or fifteen years until we even have options.

I've always heard that doctors are more prone to suicide, depression, substance abuse, and divorce.  Nobody ever suggested to read up on research on the rates for their wives.

I did, however, just stumble across a blog called Lives of Doctor Wives which has been insightful, encouraging, and discouraging at the same time.  Encouraging, because I can read what other women are doing to cope.  Discouraging, because it doesn't sound like it will end anytime soon.  Or ever.

I guess at the end of the day all I can do is hope for the best and work on it.  Whatever that means.

Dear Uterus

It's been going pretty good!

We went to see the doc on Wednesday and unfortunately, it sounds like six months is the least amount of time I'll have to be in treatment.  That was a bit disappointing.  I was really really hoping to hear that four would be enough.  Come September, we'll repeat my succession of tests to determine how much longer I'll have to endure for sure.  It sounds like it will realistically be anywhere from six to eight months.  Barf.

Isaac and I were talking yesterday and I mentioned that this whole thing is a lot more involved than I thought it was going to be.  In my mind I'd made the process something like: "Four months of chemo was enough.  The lymphoma is gone.  Congrats!  We'll see ya later!"

I guess that's not how it works.

I had to quit taking my birth control for the duration of the process too.  It's been quite a change, letting my body adjust back to what it naturally wants to do for my period.

I'd started taking it pretty young... probably fourteen (correct me if I'm wrong, Mom) because I get such infernally bad cramps.  Over the past nine years, I'd kind of forgotten what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night wishing I was dead because my abdomen was chewing on itself with razor sharp teeth.  I got a lovely reminder today.

Dear, Uterus.

Thank you.  Because of you, I was awakened this morning after only five hours of sleep.  Because of you, I've already downed four ibuprofen and have a heating pad set on blast trying to boil you away.  I'm sure you think it's funny.  Well, just you wait.  When I get older and you've already done the ONLY positive thing you can do (hopefully), I'm having you removed just because I can, you Judas piece of flesh.  Take that.

Sincerely, Ashley

I don't even feel bad about saying that.

Another undesired side effect: my skin breaks out SUPER easily.  I have to treat it like a spoiled Manhatten brat just to get it to behave.  We're talking washing twice a day at specific times, a topical cream, two types of moisturizers, pumice peels, clay masks, extractions, and hydrating gels.  Ridiculous.

Thankfully I learned these things in cosmetology school.

Mornings like today, I have to remind myself to chill.  These disruptions in the pattern of my life will only register as a little bump in the road when the whole story is told.  Nothing lasts forever.

At least, not here.

On a very random ending note: Happy Birthday to my little buddy Caleb Badger!!! You're one!!  :)  I know it's really not until Wednesday, but I'll be drugged and it's pretty likely I'll forget to say anything then.

Haha!  I found this other uterus picture later.  Keep those ovaries away from your children, ladies!!

Salty Stare-Down

Today is Isaac's birthday.

I feel kind of bad because I really haven't been able to do much to help him celebrate it today.  I had chemo on Wednesday and have pretty much been asleep since then.  Even now, I will probably only be up for a couple of hours before I knock out again.

And to top that off, I was a bit mad at him earlier because he made me eat about a teaspoon of salt.

Yes, straight up salt.

I have extremely low blood pressure normally, and so when I don't ingest enough salt, sometimes I'll have blackouts when I change positions (such as from laying to sitting, or sitting to standing) because there isn't enough pressure in my veins to get things moving along quickly enough to adjust for the change.

Very rarely will I completely black out.  It has only happened once that I can remember--and it just so happened to be after my last chemo session.

It wasn't a huge deal... I can usually tell when they're coming and so I sit down or lay down until they're over.

Apparently that experience bothered Isaac, because he decided he didn't want to wait to see if it would happen again and decided the best way to prevent it would be to give me salt BEFORE I blacked out.

So today, as I was slowly waking from my chemo-coma, he came and stood in front of me with the salt shaker and a glass of water.

I was so angry.  I know that I need to take it, but I like to do it on my own time and not be babysat like a five-year-old.

And really..... who likes to eat salt?  Like, a small fist full?

Not I.

We had a stand-off for a few moments.  Me, not wanting to give in and just swallow the dang stuff, and he, not moving until I had.

He won.

I started liking him again a few minutes after the nasty stuff had washed all the way out of my mouth.

Really, I feel bad for him.  Who spends their birthday hanging around the house while their wife lays unconscious on the couch?  It's probably not how he preferred to spend it, but I'm thankful he did...

The upside of today is that someone in his family sent him a gift certificate, so he went to "spoil" himself with some Sonic.

Ah, the simple pleasures in life.

It Keeps Getting Better

This time of chemotherapy seems to be going the best so far.

No reactions to the drugs I'm taking.

No constipation issues (so far).

No extreme pains anywhere.

I'm just so sleepy....

Before cancer, it was pretty typical for me to get up around 4:30am to make it to Surefire Bootcamp on time and then be up and at it all day long until around 10pm or so.  That was my normal and I loved it!

Today, I slept until noon.  I took a nap from 5:45 til 8:15, and I'll probably go to bed around 11pm.  Translation: I will probably only be conscious for about nine hours today.

It's frustrating sometimes because I feel like I'm "wasting time."  Although, when I sit back and think about it, there's really not a whole lot I can do anyway.

Isaac likes to poke fun at me when I sleep this much, calling me a slacker and a bum, but then every time, he'll turn serious and say, "No, really, Ash... your body is just working on healing.  Go to sleep.  Sleep lots."

I'm glad he's an advocate for it, because that's about all I'm getting done right about now.

Fear of Needles

Let me tell you something.  If you ever get cancer and have a fear of needles, you'll be getting over that real quick.

I have blood drawn at least once a week, plus more on the weeks where I have PET scans, MUGA scans, or pulmonary function tests (PFT).  In addition to all of that crap, I also have to get my chemo put in through my port every other week.

So, on average, that comes to at least 6 pokes a month.

More than I'd probably had in my entire life combined--prior to marriage.

I had chemo this morning and in the process of being injected with my four drugs and two anti-nausea drugs, I managed to find it in myself to take a picture of the most peculiar looking one: adriamycin.

This is the one that is SUPPOSED TO make my hair fall out.

It's failing.

I still have quite a bit of hair.  You can tell that it has thinned out, but... I've been mentally prepared to look like a lab rat and I'm a checklist person and it bothers me that it won't just fall out so I can check it off my list and deal with it.

Back to the needles....

Last time I had to get my PET, MUGA, and PFT I hadn't become accustomed to being poked every week and was so nervous about them drawing my blood for all of these tests.  I can say with confidence now that it doesn't even phase me.  It wouldn't even bother me if I had to get it drawn every day--which hopefully won't happen because I'm doing what I can to avoid Type II Diabetes... but you never know!

Also, Isaac got a Playstation move from his parents for his 24th birthday, which is on Friday.  He's like a little kid with it.  All I hear when he's playing it is, "oh man..." "POW! GOT 'EM!" and other various sound effects.  It truly is like I have an eight year old boy living here now--but, in the words of Ledisi, "it's alright."  Beautiful singer.

I played him in bocce ball, disc golf, and volleyball for the last three hours...

I'm sad to say that I lost in everything except disc golf.  Yes, I lost volleyball....  even after being on the varsity team from sophomore to senior year and still playing over the past few years in Beyer hall with the crew.  I'm blaming it on the controllers... and the area in which you have to play.

Isaac understood that you don't actually have to move to play the game, so he was stationary, while, when I had a ball going toward the sideline, I was shuffling across the living room floor to sprawl out and dive but by then, the "eye" couldn't see my controller anymore and so my girl just stood there.  LAME.

However, it was a really good workout and by the time it was done, I was sweating like crazy while Isaac was barely warm.  That's my reward for pretending it's real.

Oh--and for those of you who are wondering what I am doing to be proactive about NOT getting constipated this time... I started taking stool softeners today and I will be taking a laxative before bed tonight to get things moving along.

I really would like to avoid that situation happening again if possible!!!!

New Drivers License

Yesterday I went to get my Michigan driver's license.

Let me tell you, it's a very different experience here than it was in Iowa.  I walked into the room which was already crowded with at least fifty people.  There were people of almost every racial background and various ages and instead of three or four stations like our office in Ames, there were at least ten.

When I arrived, I pulled my number off the turn-o-meter and sat down in one of the few open chairs.  I was H01.  They were only on G68.

Goodness gracious.  Good thing I brought my phone with.

The nice thing about a place so crowded was that people got tired of waiting and left.  Even though I was over thirty numbers away from being called, I only had to wait for maybe thirty or forty minutes.  Not too shabby.

When my number finally did get called, I was with a sweet older southern gal.  I think her name was Roberta or something like that.  The poor woman was in training and I don't think she'd yet learned to transfer a license from state to state.  She asked for my paperwork and I handed her my birth certificate, my marriage license, my drivers license, my passport, a bill addressed to my current address, and my lease agreement.

The first mistake she made was recording the information for my marriage license in the birth certificate slot.  And then didn't know what to do with my bills.... the man next to her had to coach her through it all.

I'm not complaining.  I've been in the trainee spot before and it can make you get flustered pretty quick.

I just won't be surprised if they call me and say, "Uh... ma'am?  Something isn't right with your paperwork."

And my picture on my new license of me will be with a bald head...

*****Update on August 9, 2011*****

I got my license!  Here's a picture of it!  They're not as cool as the Iowa ones, but they're alright.

Our miracle of the week was concerning car insurance.

For those of you who know me well, you know I have a lead foot.  I've been working on taming it over the past year or so and I'm getting better, but I still have two tickets on my record that I am waiting for to fall off.

The unfortunate thing about insurance was that we moved from Iowa, which has some of the lowest rates in the nation, to Michigan, which is almost THE highest.  My payment was supposed to more than double.

Ouch.

My policy is due to expire tomorrow and so all this week and the last, Isaac and I have been running around, trying to figure out which company we want to use, what coverage we would like to get, and so on and so forth.  He's been with State Farm since he was fourteen while I've been with Progressive for about three years now.

During this process, I learned that switching insurance providers is kind of like switching hair stylists....  you don't really want to do it unless you feel that you HAVE to.  I'm not sure why, but you just don't.  I wanted to stay with Progressive while Isaac felt more comfortable with me joining his policy with State Farm.

I decided it was going to have to be up to Isaac what we would do.  It was just too hard for me to decide because I believe in my head that I have control over most everything in my life.  This was another issue of control: if I can control myself and be careful to not get in an accident, I don't see why we can't get the cheapest insurance.

Isaac sees things differently though.  He sees variables and uncontrollable circumstances that could ruin us financially if something did happen.  While we were discussing it and I was explaining that I don't forsee anything that I would do that would put us in a bad spot, his reply was, "Well did you forsee getting cancer?"

Smarty pants.

I actually have planned on getting lymphoma for some time--I just wasn't expecting it to be right after I got married or when I was 23--but if it didn't happen, I was going to be thankful.  When you've had an uncle who fought with it for ten years and eventually died from it, it's just kind of always in the back of your head.  That mindset is maybe why having cancer doesn't bother me as much as it might someone who doesn't have those same assumptions.

Anyway, while meeting with his State Farm guy yesterday, Isaac learned some good news: I don't have to switch to Michigan insurance for a year!!!  HECK YES!

I guess they consider it a transitioning period and so it is not illegal for me to do so.  Then, by the time we have to switch, I'll be a month away from 25, which will make our policy considerably cheaper.

That, my friends, is a miracle--and that is what we are thankful for this week.