Wednesday will be my last chemotherapy session ever. Lord-willingly, anyway.
I'm excited. I haven't had as bad of an experience as some people, but it's still not an experience that I think I would have ever picked out for myself. Or for my husband. Or for our marriage.
Physically, it hasn't been all that hard. Once the claw-hand went away and we figured out a pretty good regime of drugs, things got a lot easier.
Every two weeks, I went in, they hooked me up and filled my body with toxins. Then I slept for three to four days, save for eating and relieving myself in the bathroom. Sunday night was usually a little bit uncomfortable, Monday I feel more like myself, and by Tuesday I am normal again. Then I'd have a good week before it all began again.
And thankfully this will be my last session.
Please, God. Please, let it be my last session ever.
I've thought about what it would be like to be cured of the cancer and then to have it come back in a couple of years. Oh, how hard it'd be to do this all again. The physical. The emotional. The psychological.
The darn saline.
Really, the saline is the worst. Even thinking of it.... well... I just ate, so I don't want to.
I'm curious to find out how radiation feels. I'll be getting "mapped" next week on Thursday (I believe) which involves them giving me a tattoo. A couple, actually, it sounds like. Just little dots to help the machine line up consistently.
I always said if I ever get a tattoo it would be a tiger on my face. Go big or go home. Might as well make it memorable, right? Yeah... what you're thinking right now... that's what my mom said too. It's also why I don't have any tattoos.
I've still been having crazy thoughts about suicide and such. You can pray for that. They're not consistently there, but off and on I think them.
You can also pray for our young marriage. It's struggling. A lot.
A new marriage + med school + new location + cancer = lots of rough stuff.
We just need some help. We're not doing well, but I suppose given the circumstances, it's not all that surprising. Just pray, please.
Pray that I can figure out how to love my husband, even when all I want to do is close my eyes and never wake up. Pray that I remember to hold my tongue, especially when it wants to spew out hurtful things because I am hurting. Pray that on the days that I feel I can barely endure, that I remember to talk to God, because He loves me more than I will ever understand. And pray that I remember to pray, because some days, it's just really hard.
I love Isaac. I really do. I just don't know that I've been doing very good at showing him. I think part of it is the drugs messing with me. And the other part of it is just me. I'm human. I fail. Every day.
This is the part of life where I look up and remember my vows. My promise to God. My promise to my husband. And I have to take all of my emotions and set them aside and focus on the fact that I need to love him more like God loves me.
Unconditionally. Every day. Drugged or not. With or without cancer. Rain or shine, whether it is reciprocated or not. Putting my all into it, because I promised to do it, for richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. Through the good and the bad.
It's just that right now is harder than it will be other times.
many many many prayers to you and your husband from many many many people... thanks again for opening yourself up and blogging. it is touching and reminds so many of us of the little daily blessings we are treated to
ReplyDeleteAsh... every SINGLE thought and emotion you have is normal for a Cancer Patient. From someone who has walked your path and come out on the other side, just 2 short months ago. The following is SIMPLY MY advise.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings of sucide I have had. REAL feelings, where you are worried for your own safety. I thought that since I was on an anti-depressent, that it was me just loosing my grip. NO ! Ask for another anti-depressent..you will feel SO much better. You having that dread feeling that you and Cancer will meet again.... I understand, and fight with every day myself.
The relationship I understand as well. Mine is hanging on by a thread. It was (for us) too new, and filled with Cancer from the first month. We had no other foundation. I will pray that God gives you both the strength necessary to weather this storm.
Your inpatience.. NORMAL as well. It takes every ounce of both energy and patience you have simply to deal with the fact you are sick, and continue to fight. Try not to be so hard on yourself. And, again, prayers for you my friend in sickness... to healthy days ahead for both of us.
Gina
I'm a friend of Jessica's and have been following your blog for awhile...many many many prayers for you and your family. I am no place to say how to make things better between you and isaac but I know I prayed so many times to make my marriage better....our marriage therapist suggested to read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman....the book has seriously changed our lives for the better. I knew my husband but I didn't know HOW to love him. This book helped sooo much.
ReplyDeleteAnyway know that people are rooting for you...people that you don't even know. You are stronger than you believe you are.
You are an inspiration to many through your blogging Ashley.
ReplyDeleteI second the 5 love languages book. My husband and I recently received it as a loan from a friend who also claimed it to be life changing. I was entirely skeptical, because I thought our marriage was fine! It doesn't matter where you are at in your married life, if things are going well or falling apart. It will make you look at your relationship differently and appreciate each other more than you ever thought possible.
Prayers to you and your family!