My Roses Are Dying

I have to apologize before I even get into this one.  It's probably going to be a little bit of a downer.  I just don't feel good.

I have a snotty nose, my ears feel hot (like I'm probably getting sick), I've been sneezing all day long, my left nostril has been slowly leaking blood since about a month after I started chemo, I got poked with a needle SEVEN times today in order to get my blood drawn for my MUGA scan, and my husband hasn't said a word to me since I got home.

I have no idea as to why I might be getting sick--especially since I'm still essentially on lockdown in the apartment.  Okay.  So it's not really lockdown, but I don't go anywhere because I don't know people.

Timeout.  That's a lie.  I know Kim.  And hopefully I'll get to know her better.  However, I'm unfortunately one of those people who takes about three to five years to cement a solid friendship and until it hits about that time, I feel like I'm imposing.  And I hate doing that.  I know people have their own stuff going on.

And my left nostril.... I waxed my nose hairs not too long after starting chemo and ever since then every time I blow my nose there is blood in my mucus.  I know, I know.  It's my fault.  I feel like it should probably be healed by now, though.  I mean, really, it's been four months!

Whatever.

I'm not sure what the heck was going on with the people who were drawing my blood today.  The girl who tried it the first three times in the crook of my right arm said that, "she doesn't usually have a problem with sticking people."

I'm not convinced.

Lee, the tech who tried after the girl, poked me another four times.  Twice in the same spot as the girl had tried, once in the crook of my left arm, and then he finally got it in my rookie vein on my left arm.  Of the seven times that I got stabbed, they "fished" for my vein four times.  Ouch, ouch, ouch.  It hurts to even bring my right arm up all the way, not to mention that the bruises from my battle are probably going to make me look like I've been shooting up crack or something come tomorrow.

As for my husband, I threw out his brown pit-stained white undershirts earlier today and replaced them with some new ones that I bought him over a month ago.  He's upset because apparently he wore them to work out in.  He asked me why I tossed them and I told him that personally, I think that pit stains on white shirts are very un-sexy and I find him more attractive in stain-free tees.  We got into a semi-heated text message conversation after that and I apologized.

I'm not even sure why.  Probably because I don't like it when he's unhappy with me.

I find myself getting irritated, both with Isaac and with myself, because I feel like whenever we get into an argument, I'm the one who ends up apologizing.  And he's perfectly fine with doing what he's doing today--not talking to me--until I initiate.

Marriage is a LOT harder than I thought it would be.  I found that I was pep-talking myself a lot today.

Love him like God, Ashley.  Love him like God.

Oh it just kills me sometimes, though!  That moment when I feel so hurt by him is usually when I start thinking crazy things.  I debate just walking out and driving back to Ames because at least I feel wanted there.  Or filing for divorce.  It's easy to understand why the rates for it are so high.  But then I remember I don't believe in divorce.  And that's where the semi started entering the picture.

Today I was reading Jessica's blog though.  It was one that she wrote a while ago.  One where I kind of had to smack her in the head about how she was acting, and if I remember correctly, the phrase that I used with her was "Put on your big girl panties and do it anyway."

Re-reading it felt like a two-by-four to the head tonight.

Because if I sit down and think about it, when I was being a pickle, God didn't just quit loving me.  He didn't say, "Well, Ashley, you're being kind of an asshole right now, so I'm going to check out."  Nope.  Sometimes I kind of (but not really) wish He had, so then I wouldn't feel so bad if I did it to someone.

Dear God, help me to love unconditionally.