Do you have a person in your life that just doesn't seem to understand that they are loved? One of those people that you just want to hold and shake, hug and slap all at the same time because you love them fiercely, but are so frustrated they don't see themselves how you do? I have a few of these people in my life. Two of them are extremely close to me.
I wish that I could give them my eyes and let them feel my heart for just a moment. Just a few seconds. Long enough to help them see and feel that they're loved... they're worth something. That they're valuable.
One of them is relentless with his internal critique. You're not good enough. What a worthless piece of crap. Can't you do anything right? They won't like you when they see how you really are. Will you ever be good enough for anyone to love? These are the thoughts that echo in his head. Over the years, bits and pieces of the dialogue have been revealed through the comments he makes. The way he hangs his head when nobody is looking. Through the shallow friendships he keeps and the heartache that time is slowly sketching on his face.
It just breaks my heart.
Like a wounded animal, he creeps just close enough to feel Love but then shies away and puts up his defenses, scared he won't be able to earn it. He doesn't believes he deserves it, simply because he exists. He sinks, slowly accepting that, "this is all there is."
His sensitive, fun-loving spirit has become so crusted over with layer up on layer of hurt.... sometimes I wonder when the last time he really let his guard down was... if he can even remember the last time he was himself. His real self. The leader who fought for what he thought was right. The one who had friends--TRUE friends--that would do anything for him, and he would do the same for them. The protector who fiercely defended the weak, helpless, and bullied. The man who had enough courage to cry.
There are only shadows of him left now; bits and pieces of his character and personality that once was. As a close friend, it's so hard not to reach out and slap him silly sometimes. To break him of the haze that he's in and just scream at him, "You believed it once! Why won't you believe again??"
Sometimes the conversation moves that direction. But it's like there's a little demon sitting on his back, turning his head in a different direction. Moving his lips to start a new conversation. Plugging his ears and singing in his head so he has no time to think, because thinking is dangerous. Thinking allows him to face the truth.
I pray for him a lot. I pray that he'll let God work in him. That his walls will crumble and he will be confident in his value, his worth, and begin to share his sweet spirit with others again. His heart is precious.
To my dear friend (if you read this),
I hope that sometime soon, you live what you know to be true. That you learn and believe that you are loved. That you're special. Because truly, you are His favorite.
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