Sick And Happy

I'm sick.  Just putting that out there.  The snotty nose and hot ears last night have revealed themselves to be some sort of crap.  I'm at least grateful, though, that this is on the tail-end of my last chemo session.  That means that, even if I have to be hospitalized or something because my counts aren't as high as they would like, I'm not necessarily delaying my treatment.  Thank you, God

AND...  I'm SO, SO, SO glad that I don't have any more treatments!! 

Anyway, to fill you in on my heart this morning.

Last night I went to bed really sad.  I was feeling super hurt and unloved and was having a really intense conversation with God when my husband walked in to check on me.

I had so many mixed feelings when he walked in.  A part of me was glad, because I wanted to know that he at least cared.  Another part of me was angry.  The little devil in me was thinking, "Oh, so NOW that I'm going to sleep, he wants to talk.  His terms, his time.  Of course."

I'd already been crying and if you combine that with my snotty nose... well, I'm pretty sure when he asked if I was alright, my frog-voice gave away the fact that I wasn't.

We talked about the shirts.
We talked about my feelings.
We talked about his feelings.

And I felt SO much better.  And bad at the same time.

You see, last night I had been so hurt that he wasn't talking to me, that I'd given it my all and tried not to talk to him either.  I'd avoided eye contact, walked as far away from him when I passed where he was sitting, tried to look like I was busy doing stuff...

He thought I was mad about something and that I was trying to cool off.

I can see how my actions could translate as angry to anyone outside my mind.  Absolutely.

But then I felt like a jerk for thinking the things I had about him.  About our marriage.

Isaac said it was okay.  I'm not a jerk.

It's amazing how when your spouse says something like that, it means so much.

We continued to talk and talk and talk.  We communicated.  I love when that happens.  You can be in the same room with your husband all day long (I know this from experience) and never actually communicate.  You can have a conversation, and it will have all essentially been empty words.  Last night was not one of those instances.

Everything was discussed, including things that were in no relation to the shirt incident, and at the end of the conversation, I felt so much more loved.

Thank You, God.  For caring enough about me to give me a good husband who, despite the mistakes that he's made in the past (and I've made them too), wants to work on our marriage.  Who was gentle with my heart last night when I so desperately needed it.  And thank You, for not giving up on me.  For loving me, especially.


And P.S. please help this sickness to go away without any hospitalizations and such.  Thank You.